I’ve learned a few valuable lessons being married 16 years. I’ve learned that airing your very public and dirty laundry in a room of people while your husband is sitting there- does NOTHING to help your marriage or gain support for you from your husband. All it does is alienate him further and it makes you look like you picked a bag egg. That’s right when I first got married I had no idea that it wasn’t cool to tell everyone who would listen all the things I disliked about my husband. The people I told would nod and agree and say, “yes, men are awful.” And then my husband would look at me as we were home alone in the security of our house and say, “Why would you put me down in front of others? That just makes you look bad.”
I had a steep learning curve when I first got married about what it meant to be in a marriage, what it meant to work through the daily trials , big and small that befall every couple who doesn’t reside in a GLASS HOUSE. I also learned that writing about a very personal issue I had with my father-in-law- just the act of blogging it would have such severe repercussions that even I could not foresee.
The thing about living in our current state where we bear our every thought and feeling and broadcast it to legions of people on social media, through our blogs and youtube proclamations is that-it can take its toll on that inner sanctum your relationship with your spouse NEEDS. Imagine that– here I am author of the blog Married My Sugar Daddy telling you that you need to keep certain things private? Yes, you read that right, not every sordid detail and feeling and thought you have, especially if it concerns the person who you hold nearest, needs to be shared with anyone other than that very person.
This is not to say that writing a post about issues you are having in your marriage, or tips to deal with annoying in-laws, or your spouse’s inability to grasp the concept of what constitute dirt needs to be banned. Rather I think you need to be selective in what you choose to put out there- because unfortunately once it is out there, you can’t take it back. Even if you DELETE IT. ( someone gets that screen shot) or more importantly some reads that post and tells their friends and well- you’ve seen the PRELL commercial right?
This brings me to a recent media opportunity my husband and I got to appear in a reality show with other married couples where on a regular basis we would air our dirty laundry. I am all for trying to repair a marriage-bit I think trying to do so while the rest of the world watches and dissects each and every nuance of your experience- is honestly just a recipe for disaster. And here are two reasons why.
#1 One day your kids will see this. I think kids should see their parents argue. I think they should know that marriages can experience extreme high and lows and that their parents can work though their problems as a team. i think modeling conflict resolution for your kids is wonderful– in the privacy of a THERAPIST’s OFFICE ( or your kitchen sans cameras.) Do you really want your kids to be able to dissect the implosion of your marriage from every camera angle and wit their friends eating popcorn one day?
#2 The business of being in a marriage is one that needs to be done outside of the glare of white hot reality TV spotlight. I admit it, we are all vultures when we watch reality TV. We pick these people apart as those they were fictionalized characters dreamed up by Matthew Weiner. But that’s the thing about reality TV, they are real people- just playing caricature versions of themselves and so what they portray is who they are. They are no scripted happy endings- unless they make the decision to be happy- and so if they are televising this for our consumption and cognizant of getting it all on tape while remaining in their REALITY TV CHARACTER- how real, raw and honest can they be with themselves and each other? The real work of marriage needs to be a PRIVATE matter. period.