While you’ve secretly coveted vamping it like those leggy temptresses the Pussycat Dolls, you’ve never had the courage to strap on a pair of five inch stilettos and a garter belt. (Um I know I HAVEN’T.. especially after having birthed two kids, one of which left me with that oh so glorious post c-section kangaroo pouch!)
Still, having the security and years of experiences which have bonded my husband and I in ways too immeasurable to quite articulate; how can one possibly quantify the intense bond that develops in the process of creating two new lives that you are completely responsible for? Or after the mourners fall away being the sole support for a spouse dealing with the deaths of both of his parents? I guess ultimately being in this committed relationship, and feeling such a gargantuan emotional connection to my husband, does makes me feel more comfortable with my body image and sexuality, or at the very least a lot less inhibited around this man with whom I’ve shared the most intimate moments of my life for the past 13 years. And so I believe I am feeling a bit more eager to dabble in the art of seduction.
Unfortunately I am a complete novice when it comes to seducing my partner with anything other than fudge brownies. And while you know he’ll never say no to that kind of chocolate goodness, I’m more interested in relying on my feminine charms to pull off the ultimate “drive him slightly insane with desire” seduction.
According to Carol Queen, PhD, Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations and author of Exhibitionism for the Shy. seduction is an erotic (and eroticized) way for one partner to signal to the other that s/he’s interested in sexual contact of some kind. It’s a form of communication that, because it IS erotic and not day-to-day, expectation-based and informal (like, “Hey, you wanna?”), feels special and makes the seduced person feel more desired. It also serves as the first move of the erotic dance. It can be drawn-out or fairly sudden, but like flirtation, it signals that someone is putting in some effort to get your attention, and values it. For all these reasons, it’s an anti-boredom, anti-“in a rut” form of communication.
“No one gender should have the role, or the responsibility, of keeping erotic attraction and connection alive in a relationship,” says Dr. Queen. “Couples are healthier when they share this kind of connection since each partner continues to be reminded that the other partner is interested and wants them.”
But if you’re a novice (like me!) Dr. Queen suggests you begin by admitting to yourself what you’re afraid of or what is stopping you. If you recognize the source of nervousness or hesitation, it can often help a lot. Some questions to ask yourself: Are you shy in general? Are you worried you won’t be suave or sexy enough? Do you not know what to say? Has it been a while since you connected sexually with your partner?
Once you have a sense of what is holding you back, think of at least three positive alternative statements to help counter that worry. For example replace, “I don’t know what to say” with: “I missed you so much today” or “I need a kiss.” or “It makes me feel so sexy/turned on to touch you.”
And so if you are ready to dive in Dr. Queen advises planning out an erotic adventure! It can be simple, just an evening when you decide when to lead your partner into the bedroom instead of waiting for the other person to make the first move. Once you get comfortable doing this you can add more or different elements.
Plan what you’ll wear, how you’ll start to make the mood feel sexier, when you’ll go from looking and talking to touching and what will you say that’s frisky and seductive? What kind of touch will it be? How long will you let it go on before you pull your partner toward bed? If you plan all this out in advance, you’ll essentially be pulling off the ultimate sexual seduction.
Feel free to write it down, if it helps you get the elements in order and get motivated to act on them. And just doing that — is a form of seduction in itself! You can say, “I wrote something today, want to hear it?” or slip it in the form of a note into your lover’s pocket.
So now that you’re raring to go, Dr. Queen offers these 5 tips to create the ultimate seduction
# 1 Eye contact. It doesn’t have to be unbroken eye-gazing, but indulge in long looks, and look back occasionally after you look away.
# 2 Touch. Find excuses to touch, from a hand on the forearm to a lingering touch on the knee.
# 3 Space. You can seduce someone and fall backwards onto an unmade bed piled with dirty laundry but it’s a lot nicer if you’ve thought about the space and tried to make it seductive, too. Candles, a neatened-up room, nice linens, the right music, condoms or sex toys where you can reach them: you want the place to feel like an escape, where the unexpected can happen. If you’re starting your seduction in a public place, think about the atmosphere of the place you choose. A wine bar with low lighting and plush velvet pillows or a bridge over a river reflecting city lights; think atmospheric and sexy.
# 4 Talk. If you can steer the conversation toward erotic topics, past sexual adventures, favorite things, fantasies, etc., you can plant verbal images for your intended to think about, and learn more about what s/he likes and responds to. After that kind of talk, it’ll be a natural next step to lean in for a kiss or to say, “Oh, this is just making me want to kiss you”
#5 Again, you can be seductive in sweat clothes, but if you’ve thought about presenting yourself erotically, it will send a supportive sexy message to go along with the other elements of seduction. The most important thing is that you are comfortable wearing it (whatever “it” may be) and that it makes YOU feel erotic.
OK, I’m trying this TONIGHT.. how about you?!