You and your husband have the perfect marriage but that doesn’t mean things can’t change. That’s why I am sharing these 8 Tips to Protect Your Marriage from In-Laws. Sometimes, you simply don’t like your in-laws. Sometimes they are just meddling all the time. The tips below will help keep your in-laws from SABOTAGING your marriage!
8 Tips to Protect Your Marriage from In-Laws
While you didn’t enter your marriage looking for an ax to grind with your in-laws, over the course of your marriage you’ve had cause to question their character and morality. In fact, there have been many times that you’ve wished you could just divorce yourself from them. Unfortunately, you can’t! So what can you do?
According to marriage and family therapist Lesli M. W. Doares, MS, LMFT of Balanced Family Therapy and author of the forthcoming book Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage: How to Create Your Happily Ever After With More Intention, Less Work, it is possible for a marriage to survive even when you don’t get along with your in-laws, but it takes a clear understanding and agreement between you and your spouse. The old saying about marrying your partner’s family is true to the extent you let it be, says Doares. Extended family can have a strong impact on your marriage, so it’s a subject better dealt with head-on and not left to chance.
Your allegiance should be to your spouse
Of course, you are still a member of your family of origin and that familial relationship is important. However, note Doares, both of you must remember that once you marry, your allegiance should shift to your partner.
You are forming a new family that takes priority over the old, says Doares. Hopefully, everybody can get along. But in any disagreement between spouse and family, you need to side with your spouse if their position is reasonable and rational. If someone has to be disappointed, it should be the in-laws, not your partner.
Spouses need to manage their relationships with their parents
Because you are the one with feet in both camps, it is your job to manage the relationship with your parents. If you truly want to protect your marriage from meddling inlaws, this is a must. It is unfair and, ultimately, unworkable to leave this role to your spouse. This means you will have to deal with any outstanding issues you have with your parents.
Couples must define and enforce reasonable boundaries with their respective parents
When it comes to abusive, meddling, advice giving, or surprise visiting in-laws, what you tell them about your relationship, holiday celebrations, child rearing, etc. don’t allow behaviors or habits to start that you don’t want to live with for the length of your marriage. While you can’t stop your parents from trying to do what they want, notes Doares, calmly refusing to go along with them is your choice.
If your in-laws don’t want anything to do with the grandchildren it is their loss, not your fault
The more you try to change their minds or behavior, the more power you give them in your lives, advises Doares. Grieve their choice, provide appropriate information about your family, manage your hurt, and move on.
Sometimes you can try all these things and there will still be animosity between your spouse and your parents
Learn to let go of that idea of one big happy family says Doares. You don’t have to choose between them to have a happy marriage. Your spouse may never want to have anything to do with your family but you can still be in contact with them. You will just have to adjust your expectations about when and how you see them while protecting your marriage at the same time. Sometimes, if you can drop your end of the rope and stop trying to make everyone get along, the two parties can change their position over time.
Eight DOs and DONTs for surviving the in-law wars
#1 DO prioritize
Your partner and your marriage are your top priority. Protect your marriage.
#2 DO set boundaries
You and your spouse must clearly define the boundaries of your marriage. This means deciding who comes in, when, and under what circumstances. You promised to forsake all others. This means your parents.
#3 DO figure out holidays up front
As early as possible, decide how you want to spend holidays and other important occasions as a couple. Do not just go along and hope you can change it later.
#4 DO be a team
Recognize you cannot change your family’s behavior, only your response to it. Have a clear and united response that supports your marriage.
#5 DO keep an open mind
Listen to your partner’s viewpoint and feelings about your family with an open mind and heart. Don’t automatically defend your family.
#6 DON’T betray your spouse to your parents
Be clear about what is okay to share about your marriage with your parents. Do not betray your spouse’s confidences or vulnerabilities. Make sure you tell them about the positive aspects of your spouse and marriage.
#7 DON’T force the relationship
If you cannot reconcile your partner and your parents, stop trying. Do not force your spouse to be with them if it is too hurtful. It’s okay to visit them alone.
#8 DO be the bad cop
You are the spokesman and enforcer for your marriage to your parents. Do not leave it to your partner to work things out with your parents. Let their relationship be as easy as possible.
As you can see, there are a few easy things you can do to protect your marriage from meddling in-laws. While not all in-laws are bad, you should still consider these tips so you don’t make a bad situation in your marriage.
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- 6 Tips for Newlyweds in the First Year of Marriage
nilsa says
August 5, 2013 at 4:24 pmAll I can say is that I will never be like my mother in law. 12 years of hell and still counting.
Amelia says
October 6, 2017 at 9:16 amHi I have been having problems with my in laws although I have keep my distance they still try to break up my marriage my mother in law told my husband a lot of bad things about me which non of it was true now she is sick and my husband want to go visit her and want us to Come along not sure if I want to ever see her again what do you think I should do I need some advice please
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May 15, 2018 at 9:09 ammy chinese in law had been plotting and convincing my husband to execute the demise of me and my marriage and my kids. i am chinese but not from china/hong kong like them. his mother is a street hawker and i come from a rich family and i am a graduate. her jealousy have no boundaries. can you email your above to my husband to save my marriage. she and her husband had poison him against me. tried to kill my kids when they were just toddlers eg open front door watch him walked to main road with speeding cars claim my son is stupid not to know road danger at age 13 months. open window upstairs next to bed despite my asking not to and he climbed out and i caught him by the ankle. she told my husband to fight me in everything especially concerning the kids when they are excelling in school and outside school activities. please help him see the light. i worked hard to build and maintain a rental business only to find that he put all in his sole name although i paid the deposit and signed contract for purchase but he took documents to solicitors. i am not working and no job and a homemaker whilst getting tenants to live in rented property. he stole it all from me and now prep to divorce and i dont know what to do. i am heartbroken that i gave up everything, left my country my career for this family and this is how he repay me. his email address victorc123@gmail.com
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