This post is written in partnership with Netflix
The theory that kids wreck a marriage was recently put to the test. We ALL HAVE them-those friends who are blissfully wedded sans kids and when my husband and I recently went out with said couple who have been married for ten years and have decided to forgo having kids- well dare I say- it was quite an illuminating experience. Let me set the scene for you.
This couple walks in, and the woman begins to regale me with the events of her week; she just spent the day getting a massage, a facial and a manicure- which she does on a weekly basis, she’s also taking a pottery class at nights and just enjoyed a lovely lecture series. She’s emanating this serene aura that simultaneously makes me want to be her and want to slap her. Then the husband begins to tell us about a two-week vacation they’re planning to Italy (a place my husband and I would give our right arms to visit on a romantic retreat sans kids) and that they have all this extra space in their Manhattan apartment that they’re converting into an art studio for his wife.
At this point I’m vacillating between salivating and coveting their luxurious child-free existence, the fact that they have oodles of free time to explore their artistic sides, to pamper themselves and to travel with no consequences other than having to decide what type of white wine will go best with their dinner. Then they cavalierly ask what new plays, movies, restaurants my husband and I have been to. And of course all I can think of is the corner pizzeria where they have a color TV that plays SpongeBob on a constant loop, so my son doesn’t complain how bored he is after he finishes his pizza. Oh and then I tell them the last movie we saw was The Trolls. The woman laughs and then says in a bit of a patronizing tone (or maybe I am just projecting my feelings into her sentiments), “Oh that must have been so cute,”.
At this point I really need my husband to restrain me from either strangling her or overdosing on vodka to drown out how the reality of how utterly hum-drum and boring our marriage has become and how our once exciting social life has deteriorated to being punctuated by a smurfs and pizzeria outing.
But of course marriage with kids is a completely polar opposite experience than marriage without kids. My husband and I chose to bring these two little souls into the world– although I don’t think we were prepared for just how much their existences would hijack the intimacy of our marriage. I also don’t think my husband and I do enough to ensure that while we may not be able to jet off to Italy on a moments notice or drink as much wine as we’d like with dinner-we can institute certain practices in 2018 to recapture a bit of our pre-kids, just the two of us magic that this childless couple was so clearly intoxicated and rife with.
So here are my top five tips to keep kids from hijacking your marriage in 2018.
Make a bucket list of things you and your husband want to do (kid-free)
Before the end of 2018 and commit to getting a least quarter of them done and staring with Valentine’s Day! Plan the perfect Valentine’s Day. Find a new Valentine’s Day favorite, from romantic comedies to award-nominated hits on NETFLIX. Order in Chinese food, and grab your boo and settle in on the couch with some steamed dumplings and prosecco and indulge in a movie marathon of romantic classics. Some of my favorites that you can watch on NETFLIX ( which I would highly recommend)
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Twenty years after graduation, a tight-knit group of college friends reconnects and discovers that love hasn’t gotten easier with age.
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Tag team
Take turns handing off childcare to one another, And in your free time pursue a passion- take a class, get a massage, allow yourself a block of time to feel and be child-free with no reservations.
Schedule sex.
Yes you read that right. Pen it in at least once a week, during a block of time you know your kids WONT be able to interrupt, if for no other reason, it’s a great way to burn calories.
One night a week, commit to spending that time with your spouse technology free.
As mushy as this sounds- my husband has begun to use this time to read me Robert Frost poems.
Stop going out with childless couples….unless you want to be tortured!
These are all great ways to keep the family dynamic intact. I totally agree on the taking turns portion. We as parents need our alone time, just to unwind.
Hahaha, sex is definitley part of my workout routine! Honestly though, it’s important for married couples to remain intimate and if scheduling it is the only way to get it in, DO IT.
It’s not romantic, but scheduling sex is really the only way to get it when you have kids. Hey. Whatever works!
My in laws take my kids almost every weekend that they don’t have sports, so we get that child free time. A child free couple may have a lot of free time, but they’ll also have no one to help them once they’re old.
These are great tips! We have a child with special needs so I feel that it weighs on our marriage even more. However, we do take time for US and time with friends.
I think these are all great tips. Having time with your loved ones is always great. I know I need to schedule more date nights with my husband.
I do not think kids wreck marriages. I do however believe they make things way more complicated and tricky at times.
I think kids only wreck a marriage if the couple allows that to happen. Following tips like yours definitely helps keep the spark alive though. I totally LOL’ed over your interactions with the childless couple. I think it’s sad that they have no idea what they missed out on!
Oh man, that dinner out with them sounds awful! I would have wanted to strangle her too, or I would have ordered several bottles of wine! lol. We totally need to schedule in times for sex. It is non existent at times because we let our kids get in the way.
Great suggestions. Seriously, having kids is not a way to save a marriage! We had our first within the first year of marriage, and it was really tough! We do need to make more time for one another still.
I think if it’s done at the right time, kids can strengthen a marriage. Kids aren’t for everyone though.
There’s no doubt that having kids will change the way you do things in life as a couple. I think these are lovely tips. It’s really important to give yourselves some time alone.
Kid’s don’t ruin marriages, adults ruin marriages. However, kids do bring another set of challenges. You just have to work on keeping the spark alive. Great tips.
I think we just need to set our priorities. Children are innately needy and when they are young and growing, they would demand more and more of our time. It is letting them know that mommy and daddy need time alone too. Once they understand that the world does not revolve around them, then having time as a couple would be easier.
This is such an important concept. So many marriages begin to fail and fall apart after kids. But, I think that sometimes those marriages were already failing, the additional stress and change just brings out the worst in people.
This sounds like a cute show. Marriage with kids is definitely different. Good tips.
Marriage is a commitment and having kids are part and parcel of it. Personally, I think kids do not wreck a marriage. It is the other way around. They are the binding force that keeps couples together. We can always work around some issues and still have time for intimacy and romance.
No one can wreck a marriage but the people who got married. Marriage is work and if you decide to have kids you have to be prepared for that too.