Last night I was on twitter and facebook ( yes not really a big stretch for me- considering that my son admonished me and said, the reason for all my looming deadlines is because I'm addicted to twitter and facebook.) I could only HANG my head in shame because this little 11 year old has me figured out to a T… but I digress.
A couple I know, who lived together for five years and just tied the knot- after six months of what I thought was wedded- bliss decided to call it quits. Of course they are not the first or last couple to find themselves in such a predicament- but what has me slightly thrown for a loop is the fact that; A) A couple would be together for five years and not take the plunge sooner. B) After being together for five years after a swift marital union, would decide to break it off.
I never really understood the couple who could be in a committed relationship for so long- without making it official-aka- legally chaining themselves to one another as some would say. And, if you are with someone for five years, wouldn't you know all there is to know about this person– (which is kind of why I moved in my husband after getting engaged- to test the waters and make sure we could indeed live together without strangling each other to death).
Is it something about being legally chained to another–the vice of marriage slowly cutting off your air supply, feeling like- now that you're in and legally bound to this person- if you don't get out sooner than later– ultimately you won't be able to leave? Does being married change the way you view the person you're with– does it add an extra layer of anxiety- frustration- or a sense that now you expect more form this person because well- he's your spouse and as your spouse he OWES you certain things- that as a boyfriend- you let fall by the way side.
Does being married ultimately put too much pressure on a relationship… or as Carolyn Edgar so articulately said to me…
“If you're engaged for that long, you already know you shouldn't/don't want to get married. But you go through with it out of a sense of obligation -and by doing so, confirm what you already knew. Smart ones get out early, before kids & such. I think marriage is more than just paper. Realizing you are legally chained to this person is eye opening. You realize the longer you stay, the harder it is to get out. I think that's why the quick trigger divorce.”
Or maybe… even after so many years with someone… do you ever really know if indeed he/she is the one?
You never know…it's all one big gamble. Somedays I'm ready to throw in the towel and other days I hang on to my spouse like I am sinking and he is saving my life. Who knows….almost 20 years and I'm still smiling….most of the time!
I think that term “the one” is too strict. I do believe there is that one out there that understands you, lets you be you, and completes you. I think you just feel that it’s right and you couldn’t see yourself with anyone else.
For those that are together for so many years and then get divorced so quickly, I think what Carolyn said is perfect. Many people by that time in a relationship often get married because everyone is pressuring them to when they don’t feel like they want to. It’s like that saying, “they are better in a relationship, not a marriage”. They feel the need to get married rather than the want or out of love.
For those that get married so quickly and divorce so quickly, one reason being they don’t know each other enough. And two, they probably just wanted that huge big wedding, the dress, everything without thinking past the wedding.
I always say, the bigger the wedding the faster the divorce. There are a few exceptions however as always.
When I married my husband I completely knew that he was the right one for me and I didn’t want to be with anyone else. I think its intuition and feeling. When I walked down that Isle I didn’t have any doubt in my mind.
I was watching a news program once and they interviewed newly divorcee’s and they stated that when they walked down that isle (and even before!) they felt that it wasn’t right.
I think that’s very true! It really comes down to how you feel about your relationship…
WRT: The One and sort of continuing Heidi’s comment: I see most of life’s statistics as a bell curve. I think matching with any other individual is also a bell curve. With the vast majority of people you will have a middle ground match (basic acquaintance, or low level friendship) and as you move up the bell curve there are fewer people but better matches.
Statistically speaking there will be one individual at the very top of the ranking, but you don’t have to meet that one person to be in an ideal relationship. Theoretically anyone in the top two percent (or possibly 0.2% – I’m not a statistician, but I’ve got a feeling the number 2 is important) should be enough to make you fantastically happy.
What is 2% (or 0.2%) of however many males are between 28 and 34 anyway?
I always worry about those women who stress over a “perfect” wedding, who think of their wedding days as “the happiest day of my life.” I worry for their actual marriages. I worry about people who have been together a long time without marriage, then suddenly decide to do it. I worry that, if they have been together so long then something must have been working for them, so why the sudden change? Or maybe it wasn’t working, and the hope was that marriage would make it work–like it’s maybe not the marriage so much as not wanting to lose the time already invested.
I always find it so sad when people split. I also think today people aren’t told to do everything you possibly can to save your marriage like we were told. Many today are lovers of themselves first (I’m not saying it in this couples case) With that said I do believe there are times when couples need to split.
I am divorced from my kids dad. I thought he was the one, but it turned out he wasn’t.
You might know you found the one, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be a ton of work. I think so many marriages fail because people imagine that finding the one means it’s easy.
I think being the one isn’t a guarantee that marriage will last. Even if you find the one, you still have to work at marriage.
It’s not a matter of knowing if you’ve found the one, so much as it is knowing if you’ve found the one worth fighting for. Relationships are hard work. People usually split up because they can’t do that work.
I agree with a lot of the other commenters, even if you find the one marriage is still hard work. But if they are “the one”, they are worth the work!
I actually was just reading an article about longer engagements leading to shorter marriages. No idea if I tried was causation or correlation though.
I think testing the waters by living together for a period does help. You do have to jump in at a certain point because there is no way to know for sure beforehand.
I lived with my hubby for 5 years before getting married. I couldn’t rush in. Thankfully, he was the one and we just celebrated 20 years together.
I agree with you. 5 yrs does seem to indicate a level of commitment that would not result in such a hurried divorce. It also is a bit long to be together without tying the knot, but I do know this varies a bit. 3 yrs seems to be a decent length of time I think.
My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years and married for 10. I still dont know if he’s “the one” but we are happy so to me thats what matters.
I think the number of years doesn’t really define if your partner is the one. But I agree with you, being legally married to your partner makes it harder to get out, which means it gives you a great sense of responsibility to be with them for a lifetime. 😀
Relationships are complicated. It’s hard to know what really going on behind closed doors.
I have known a lot of people that do this-there together forever for years…and then once they get married its over super fast. It must be the obligation of being “stuck” with this person “forever’ scares some people. I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married and of course we’ve gone through hard times like anyone else, but we were committed to making each other happy.
I definitely agree with you! If you’ve been living with each other that long, golly, nothing should really change that much other than you made it official. You’re right, reality sets in and people take off.
I’ve been with my husband since I was pretty young. I guess it would be really hard for me to ever leave him. You’re right, we know everything about each other and we take care of each other. It would be really odd to just drop that and move on randomly.
I hear quotes on the divorce rate but I always think they’re low. Seems like most people I know are getting divorced. It’s sad, actually.
A good question, but a dangerous one. My first marriage failed, and I think a big part was because I wondered if the grass was greener. When things get tough, you may question if you made the right choice. But thinking The One is still out there is suicide for your relationship.
I’m not sure either if we ever find out if our partner is the one. It’s really all about your dynamics though and how you guys work together to improve your lives. Of course, it’s never just about love but that’s also a huge part of the partnership.
I want the words of “marriage more beautiful than wedding” but being tied is something to seal your love and should not be taken for granted. And being together until end is a skill because falling in love is easy but staying in love is hard.