Okay- first let me preface this post with this disclaimer- when I say my Four Things I learned about my Marriage when my Husband Left Me – I am referring to his road trip with our son to Cooperstown when he LEFT ME for two nights and three days to fend for myself aka take out the garbage and walk the dogs and let me tell you something- IT WAS NOT PRETTY.
My husband and I have a very unique marriage situation. While he is technically a doctor- double board certified- ahem- he is sorta, kinda retired from practicing. Sure he still does consulting but more often than not if I need help with ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he is my person. I guess some might think, how could we not DRIVE EACH OTHER CRAZY being together as we are both working from our home 24/7. And while we have our stay in our own corner days- they are few and far between. My husband and I have found this comfortable rhythm that while some might consider boring and mundane- for me-well I LIVE FOR the mundane. It is in the mundane that I have found my greatest joy and sense of fulfillment.
I always think of that character Jennifer Coolidge played in the movie Best in Show- who was married to an elderly gentleman ( no our age difference does not come close to that one) when she says in total earnest, “I love talking and Not Talking to him” well that is how I would sum up our daily interaction.
So not having him with me 24/7 for three days was like having someone cut off my life support. Who was going to make the coffee??! ( I don’t even know how to work this new machine?!) Who was going to make all of us breakfast, lunch and dinner?! ( I can’t boil water for pasta). Who was going to talk me off the ledge after a phone call from my mother?! Who will give me fodder for my blog posts and tell me that they are too fluffy and melissacized ( which then means I am headed in that right direction with them). I know you are thinking – Melissa WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU- you can’t make your own coffee and food? And here is my reply- when push comes to shove OBVIOUSLY I CAN, but if someone else WANTS to do it for me- who am I to deny said person that PLEASURE?!
Still my husband and son have been hatching this plan to visit Cooperstown for several months and while they invited me along- a) I have no desire whatsoever to go and b) my almost six month old puppy could never handle hotel rooms without trashing them like a true rock star. My other rescue could totes manage it- so I’m hoping a vacation with the two of them is in the near future for us.
And while my husband assured me he would prepare food for me- all he managed to get made was pasta- so I was basically ON MY OWN with my 16 year old who is not good at making coffee either and my dogs who can only manage to pee and poop and not even do so on command.
So what are the Four Things I learned about my Marriage when my Husband Left Me alone for two nights and three days?
#1 Taking out the trash is NO BIG DEAL. My husband has been LORDING the fact that he takes out the garbage as this GREAT and wonderful and very taxing chore that he does out of his love for me because he doesn’t want to burden me. And after having to take out the garbage myself I am ready to tell him he better step up his game and find other things to do in addition to his trash chore- because he has been getting way too much mileage out of a chore that is straightforward- no chaser- easy.
#2 Getting dinner WAS A piece OF CAKE aka it’s called TAKE-OUT and it ROCKS. Sure my marriage could NOT exist without my husband’s nightly salads but if ever the day came when he could not make one- there is actually a GREAT LOCAL DINER that could deliver them to us.
#3 Taking care of two rescue pups with no reliever (aka my husband) is enough to drive a person to drink and well I am in DEBT to my husband for basically taking care of them and walking them eight times a day.
#4 My Marriage, my husband is my left arm. Sure I am a righty and rely on my right hand to navigate about 90 percent of life. But my left arm is always there – waiting in the wings-in case I need it.
Also I missed him like crazy cakes and I don’t think I am allowing him to leave me unless he has salads prepped in the fridge and our dogs are more self sufficient.
I have to say that I don’t understand why a woman, in modern society, would be so open about admitting that she is dependent on a man. Also, if you’ve chosen to be a stay at home mom, doesn’t your role include things such as cooking and looking after the animals? Interesting… you’ve done such a thorough gap analysis on your homemaking skills, yet rather than making an action plan for bridging the gap (cooking lessons & practice, dog behavior training, taking out the garbage more than once), you’ve stated that you won’t “allow” your husband to leave town again until he pre-prepares food and the dogs are more self sufficient. Perhaps the dogs aren’t the only ones who need to become more self sufficient? To give credit where it’s due, at least you don’t seem to be calling your husband your Sugar Daddy anymore. You know, I really like a lot of what you have to say, and I think you’re a good writer. I just find it unfortunate that your focus so often seems to be on (in my opinion) the wrong things.
Everyone’s take on everything is different. What works for one person or what one person perceives isn’t what works or is perceived by another person. If this is her life and her reality, and she is content and happy in life, who really cares? I do everything for my lady. I make the money. I make her food. I go shopping. I treat her like a princess – even though she doesn’t ask for it. Why? Because she is awesome, and so am I (I think).
I too am a big fan of Melissa’s honest writing and I don’t see it that way at all (in response to this comment: I have to say that I don’t understand why a woman, in modern society, would be so open about admitting that she is dependent on a man). If anything, I think Melissa defies the stereotypical gender roles of a woman staying home and cooking because it’s her place in the household. I’ve always appreciated the shared dynamic that I get to see in this marriage when I come to this website and I think it’s amazing that her two children are raised in a way that squashes draconian gender expectations with a husband and father so willingly taking on household tasks as I think – a husband/father/man in the household should. Also, Melissa – your love for this man clearly shines through.
Ben and Monica,
Fair enough. I fully respect that everyone lives life differently. My point was that I don’t understand it, and I have a feeling that I’m not the only person reading this; male or female, who also will not understand it. I am not criticizing Melissa’s husband for doing these things, nor am I suggesting that roles be defined based on gender. I just think it’s dangerous to become so dependent on someone else (again, male or female), to the point that you don’t know how to do important, everyday things for yourself. My apologies if my comment seemed unkind.
It’s always nice to have a supportive husband though some degree of independence and self-dependence is nice as well. I’m glad your relationship works well for you.
Some people might view this negatively but I think it’s really sweet. I miss my husband very much when he’s away on work trips and I also miss him when I’m the one on a trip somewhere with a girlfriend. He’s my partner and he will always be a huge part of who I am, it doesn’t mean we can’t live on our own, we just love them too much, that’s all! Love this adorable post!
I panicked when my husband left the country for 7 days on a business trip because I was worried I wouldn’t be able to hold down the fort on my own. Truth is, women have been doing it all on their own for ages, and it turns out, it wasn’t that hard. Like you, my husband feels like an extra limb on my body and when he was gone I missed him like crazy, but I’m glad I got a taste of true independence when he was gone.
My husband does a lot around the house as well and it works for us. For one he is a much better cook and enjoys it. I used to mow the lawn but he broke the lawn mower when I was on vacation last year so I am boycotting until we get a new mower. Whatever works for your marriage is the right way and I like that you acknowledge missing him and all that he does for you. Also impressed he went away for a weekend with your son, a great bonding trip for them.
Hi..I left a comment when I first found this site June 24th. I don’t think it was ever posted. It would not take my email address which is dr_mack@ yahoo. com……it waited to use a email address I used a few years back when I published a couple of blog post on WordPress. I really hope this post get published because I have been to share my testimony on how i got my lover back …. this is a miracle. So much is going on right now…..but mostly I want say i am so happy. Dr Mack was a great helper when i my Husband broke apart from me but he later came back after i used the service of Dr Mack.
Thank you so much for saving my marriage.
Dee M. Jones
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