I always said I could never imagine why, or more aptly, how it was that people sustained a marriage in the absence of children. In my personal experience, I don’t think I ever would’ve gotten married had I not planned on having kids. And in all honesty, I believe that having my children and desperately wanting to give them a foundation which includes a two parent home has, for better or worse, cemented my visceral attitude when it comes to preventing the dissolution of my marriage. Of course what I believed was possible as a 25-year-oid bride, and what I know now as a 43-year-old woman who has logged 18 years in a marriage, is that life is not so black and white and in fact is teeming with gray.
I also wrote a post on my blog, Married My Sugar Daddy, “Marriage is hard; but keeping your kids unscathed is harder,” where, in a nutshell, I voice my concerns about the fact that that there are times when I sublimate my feelings of anger towards my spouse and the state of our marriage in order to placate my kids. I know it’s because I want to do everything I can to keep my kids unscathed — to keep them from experiencing a divorce and a broken family.
On some level, I suppose, focusing on “pretending to be happy” in my marriage to make my whole experience better (i.e. keep my kids unscathed and unaware of my grownup issues with their father) could be construed as being good selfish (or even selfless). I also believe in trying to keep my marriage solid for my kids; there have been times that that precise mindset has indeed been the glue that has effectively kept my marriage form ripping apart at the seams. Whereas fighting in front of my kids (which I’ve certainly been known to do) and letting my feelings, frustrations and unhappiness with my husband and the state of our union, especially when my kids are within earshot, could be construed as being the bad kind of selfish. But do either of these theories hold any weight? How much of our lives and marriages do we owe our children? Is staying in a marriage and not being honest in front of our kids really what’s best for them? And what are we ultimately keeping them unscathed from? And most importantly are we preparing them for the realities of what a real marriage entails?
Well, according to New York Times’ Tara Parker-Pope, a good marriage has absolutely nothing to do with kids; whether it’s having them as a means to keep a couple together or putting them at the forefront of one’s marriage as a means to keep it solid. In her article, Ms. Parker-Pope says, “The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage,” and that the key to long-term happiness in your marriage actually has nothing to do with whether you procreate or have kids in general. Rather it’s about your ability to make your spouse happy and have your spouse feel like being with you; it is a lesson in self-improvement. A good, happy, solid marriage that will go the distance is one in which both partners are constantly learning, growing and experiencing new things from and with one another. And when you focus on being the best partner you can to that person, your marriage will flourish.
While I don’t think I’ve ever truly attempted Ms. Parker-Pope’s advice, I’m inclined to think she might be onto something and I’m willing to give it a shot and make my husband the focus. But wait… does that make me selfish too?!
I agree to some point. I do try to make and keep my husband happy, but he is secondary to my kids now.
You read my mind! I’ve often said that the best marriages come from couples who never stop working on themselves instead of their partners.
That is so true! If we work on ourselves instead of trying to improve our spouses, we’ll be much happier in the long run.
I remembered my grandmother giving me some advice when I decided to get married. She said, “You never really get to know your partner until you’ve lived under the same roof for a time.” True. And she said, “If you think you can change a person by marrying him, your are doing it wrong.” True again. I agree that marriage is a lesson in self improvement. You work at being a better person, not only for your spouse and your kids, but for yourself. Thank you for this article. I enjoyed reading it.
I think this strategy is worth a try. I think there is a lot of trial and error in marriage. As long as you’re trying, things will be okay!
This really is a great read and honestly something that I sort of learned a bit more about recently during trying times. I think we are all human and during our down times it’s super easy to focus on our partner’s faults and we can lose it (yelling, screaming, responding emotionally, etc) but when we have a marriage that is determined to be long term as it was meant to be, then two people need to learn how to be good at self improvement as individuals and as a couple. Love this so much!
Marriage is work. Good work, but it definitely takes effort. I have never heard this advice before but it makes sense.
I am not married now, but I understand how important it is to work on myself instead of trying to change the other person
Marriage is not easy. Like you said, it’s not black and white. There are so many grey areas and compromised made by both parties to sustain it. Having children complicates it for sure because it’s no longer just two people that must be considered. It’s hard work but worth it.
I married at 19 and have been married for over 30 years now. Every marriage requires effort in many ways including work communicating and understanding that it is work.
Reminds me of something a friend said to me yesterday. He said a good marriage is like driving a car. It seems easy but you need to always be actively doing something. You get in the car but you still need to always check for things and be aware, working on staying on the road and looking ahead and behind.
It’s definitely about being a better version of you. It’s continuously improving yourself to be a good partner to your spouse.
This couldn’t be more true. My husband and I stopped trying to fix each other and fixing ourselves and our relationship is so much stronger now.
When we got married, my husband and I always promised to each other that we’d be each other’s priorities. We are trying to work our best as a team since we are so new into our marriage!
I think that fact that you’re willing to explore new areas means a lot. It means you’re already focusing on your husband and trying means oh so much!
I agree with you. Marriage can teach us a lot and helps big in self-improvement. I love this post!
I have a friend who has been married three years now. Her and her husband don’t have kids and don’t plan on kids for a while. However, they have an amazing relationship. You’re right, it’s all about keeping that growth alive!
Marriage is constant work. My husband and I have had our differences over the years, but we have worked through it and we both now know where the other stands. That goes a long way in being happy in a marriage.
It’s not always easy, that’s for sure! But continuing to better ourselves for our own sake and the sake of our marriage is a good thing.
You honestly give the best marriage advice! This post is so true, and no marriage is perfect and we always have to work on it.
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