If you've been in the marriage hood as long as I have, the question “How Should I React When my Husband gets me a Present I Hate?” will probably make you chuckle. Like me, you're probably thinking, ” If my husband actually GOT ME A PRESENT I'd be thrilled.”
It's true my husband and I don't often exchange gifts at this point- we are more apt to write each love letters and personally, for me, that has always been a better barometer for me to “test” just how much he thinks and cares about me.
Not that his actions don't demonstrate his love in a million tiny ways- but hey we can all use a proclamation of someone's undying devotion to us every once in a while right?
And holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are prime time to get those letters out. Of course there are some wives who truly see these monumental occasions, and the presents they get (or don't get) to mark such occasions as a reflection of their husband's lack of love and understanding of their wants and needs.
Which brings me to a letter I got– How Should I React When my Husband gets me a Present I Hate? –asking me what to do in such a situation. Keep reading!
How Should I React When my Husband gets me a Present I Hate?
Dear The Staten Island Family-
I recently had an anniversary and my husband gave me a gift that was not even close to my style or something that I would like.
I know you are probably thinking that I am acting childish and that I should be happy he gave me a gift to commemorate our years of marriage together but it really upset me.
I had told him months before that I had my eye on a certain piece of jewelry but it was way too expensive and if he was ever going to but me anything that's what I wanted. When he handed me this gift, I couldn't control the words from coming out of my mouth and I flat out said, ” This isn't my style. Why would you get me something that I don't want from a site where explicitly I showed you what i wanted ?
It's like you completely disregarded what I wanted.” My husband in his defense said, ” well I though it would be nice for you to switch things up and deviate from something you always wear.” I don't know why, but that statement just made me want to slap him; not only did he not get me something I wanted but now he is criticizing my style too?
Suffice it to say, this ended up being a REALLY BAD ANNIVERSARY for us and my husband is now returning my gift. So tell me, do you think I over-reacted? Should I just have taken the gift and said thank you and appreciated that he even though enough about me to buy me something?
How Should I React When my Husband gets me a Present I Hate?
Signed CONFUSED Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
I totally get where you are coming from. His disregard for your wishes and then that little dig at telling you to change up your style is definitely grounds for an argument. BUT NOT GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE.
First of all I think you need to apologize to him for your reaction to his gift and tell him that you absolutely appreciate the sentiment but just felt like he must not have been listening to you when you told him what you wanted and that's what really hurt you most- the fact that you felt- unvalidated and not heard.
It wasn't really about the gift itself, it was more about the fact that you felt he wasn't really paying attention to the things you told him and that made you feel like your thoughts and feelings didn't hold weight with him. Then I think you need to have a total DO-OVER celebration of your anniversary- and instead of gifts you need to celebrate and write each other love letters.
So readers- has this ever happened to you and if so, what would be your advice to Confused wife?
I agree with The Staten Island Family. Let me start by saying I am not married, but engaged, so this may be a very naïve response. My fiancé just surprised me with a bag that isn’t my style. We’ve had conversations in the past where I’ve said I like black bags with gold hardware and minimal logo/brand recognition. The sweet man bought me a VERY “MK” branded, brown and tan, Michael Kors little crossbody that can fit my phone, ID, cards, and maybe a granola bar. Initially I thought, “What am I supposed to do with this thing?” Instead, I expressed my gratitude and told him I appreciate his thoughtfulness. I thought positively and said, “Now I have a brown bag to add to my collection.” To be honest, I’ll probably only wear it when I go out to dinner with him.
Maybe in the future, someone in Confused Wife’s position could first express appreciation, ask what S.O. liked about the item to better understand the “why”, and say something along the lines of, “it’s not typically my style.” If you absolutely can’t stand it, start an open discussion about keeping it or exchanging it for something that better suits you. Even if you hate it, your S.O. did something special that should be recognized positively. If not, he might stress out about your next gift, and you may not receive anything at all.
I don’t think she should apologize for a completely thoughtless gift from her husband. She specifically told him what she wanted and he completely disregarded it. Who even know if he did it on purpose to make her feel unimportant or unheard because there are manipulative people out there who will do that on purpose. It doesn’t even make sense to say he thought she should switch it up. That’s a completely selfish thing to say and maybe he was buying her something he liked on her instead of something she liked.
Sounds like your basing your advice on how you perceive the world based on your own marriage instead of using empathy to understand the woman who wrote to you.
Exactly.
That’s absolutely something my husband would do. Over the years He’s developed this habit of telling me he knows what looks better on me than I do.
It hurts because I go out of my way to listen for clues to get his gifts and every birthday he either really loves his gifts or he is a great liar and tells me I nailed it. He knows I have zero interest in giving unwanted gifts so I would go as far as returning if I ever thought he didn’t like something I picked.
My spouse buys me things someone 30 years older would love. My friends and associates will say “oh my this is not very attractive” and I just sit there sad and frustrated because he doesn’t know what I like because what he likes on me matters more to him.
I asked for a $200 Tiffany necklace. He instead bought me a $200 Amazon necklace with dark silver pearls. I don’t wear pearls or dark silver. Never have, never will but in his mind he was giving me something classier than what I expected. Where am I going to wear it? Not a place on earth because our lives aren’t set up to go places where something like that is in order.
l’ve just decided to tell him
We won’t exchange gifts anymore. He literally hurts my feelings every birthday, every holiday, every anniversary. I told him the only thing we will exchange if he’s interested is heart felt notes. After a while he will miss my great gifts but atleast now I won’t end up crying on all of my special days because his gifts make me feel like his interests are way more special and important than my own.
I usually get stereotypical gifts. For the last couple of holidays I received an Insta Pot and a wok. Nice items but I think those were motivated more by his wish to have good meals and not a thoughtful gift for me. He keeps telling me, I like to cook. I keep telling him that I like to eat, not so much the cooking. I just do it so I can eat something edible since his cooking is not. Then the latest occasion he bought me a pair of mugs, His and Hers that had some stupid stereotypical male, female sentiment. The biggest problem is that he keeps hassling me for having too many cups, we each have an assigned area and can have no more cups than will fit there. I have to keep reminding him that he bought the extra mugs, not me. Maybe he thinks if I loved him, I would get rid of two of my own mugs…