Next week, after much agonizing, I will be on a plane with my 13 year old daughter for several days. Why the agonizing? Because I already know when I return from my trip I will be greeted with a home that will require a cleaning staff crew donning HAZMAT suits. I love my husband: TRULY.MADLY and DEEPLY- but I do not love nor do I even mildly share the same idea of what constitutes CLEANLINESS with him. For instance- if I cut watermelon- after the very sticky deed I will make sure to wipe up the table with the precision of a strict English GOVERNESS. Whereas my husband's version of clean is: If I don't see it- it doesn't exist. I would argue that touching and feeling that stickiness on the table constitutes the EXISTENCE of dirt- but my husband would respectfully disagree with me. Yes, my husband is VERY respectful in our disagreements–he is the one that never raises his voice and takes the position of the calm one– so that in comparison to him I look like the STARK, raving mad lunatic. But I digress.
The matter at hand and this post is the fact that I simply cannot leave – and experience a sense of calm and peace- knowing that my house is being trashed like a fraternity house i.e.; a lion's den of a bathroom where the urine on the walls will cake up in my absence, the dog treat crumbs will be plentiful and underfoot in every nook and cranny ( as my husband says my constant vacuuming is unnecessary which leaves me to the conclusion that when I leave the crumbs will likely form their own mountainous ridge ) .
So I'm leaving my husband a Honey Do's and Don'ts List before I leave on my trip –so that upon my return rather than wanting to SCREAM AT HIM I will want to embrace him.
#1 Don't use the kitchen appliances during my absence. My husband is GREAT at cooking but not that great at cleaning. For instance he will FRY up some incredible fish- but the OIL SPATTER and residue will remain untouched until yours truly cleans it up. And so, I told him just feed the kid PB&J while I'm gone and fresh fruit and veggies- so that the appliances, counters and microwave will remain as pristine as they were the day I left. ( Don't even ASK me to go there and tell you how my husband microwaves pasta and sauce and forgets to COVER the bowl- and well- there's an EXPLOSION.
#2 DO remember that we have dogs. I'm not sure how it is possible to forget that you have two loving, breathing creatures in your midst- but my husband who I like to refer to as the absent minded professor has a tendency to forget to feed our very senior citizen dog, and since she no longer barks ( she seriously lost her ability to bark about a year ago) my husband sometimes forgets she is there until his foot squishes on a piece of her errant poop which can be found in various nooks and crannies of our house, as in her old age she has become somewhat incontinent. So I will be leaving him reminders on the fridge, on the sink and on the door to our house “REMEMBER THAT WE HAVE DOGS).
#3 Don't let our son wear the same pair of shorts more than one day. I will not be taking my son on this trip with me- and my little nine-year-old looks to my husband like a mythological GD-like force. What my husband says is GOLDEN, and when my husband sees my son at the end of the day with a very muddy- STANKY pair of shorts which have been worn in the woods all day- he is FINE with letting our boy wear these very same pair of shorts for several days.
Which leaves me with just ONE QUESTION: