My husband and I are going through a rough patch in our 12-year marriage that is testing the vows we promised one another and shaking a foundation I thought was immovable.
I went into this relationship with the best of intentions; envisioned shiny dreams about my happily ever after with my chosen one and for all intents and purposes I thought we were on track. We were going to make it and defy the odds; the dissolution of our marriage and the dreaded D word was not even a blip on the radar screen.
No the scope of a marriage encompasses so much more. It’s about the little things like; paying the electric bill, watering the lawn and doing without that last drop of milk for your coffee because you know you should save what’s left for your spouse.
But of course those are the mundane details of every life; married or not- the responsibilities you face when you leave the comfort of your parents home and try and make your way as an adult.
If anything, as a member of this marriage tribe you’re convinced that having a partner in crime, with whom to share these routines and rituals, will make fulfilling them all the more richer and sweeter.
However when problems beyond your control rear their ugly head, problems you never imagined you’d have to contend with, were you not legally bound to this person via this marital contract you signed more likely than not under the influence of a heady courtship complete with visions of over the top-weddings cakes dancing in your head- you’d likely be making a beeline for the nearest exit.
Of course once you factor kids into the equation…all bets are off. When your kids, with their doe-eyed like innocence, get caught in the crossfire of your heated marital discord you feel akin to Satan robbing them of their perfectly constructed universe where happy endings reign. And like the sponges they are, regurgitating every last detail of the argument you and their dad displayed in their presence, you feel guilty beyond reproach that you’ve embedded a memory in their consciousness that you’re fully aware they’ll carry with them into adulthood.
You want nothing more than to give them that fairytale too; you want to shield them from the possibility that sometimes life is not all clean manufactured Pixar happiness, that it can be messy and complicated and happily ever after does not look the same for everyone. You tell yourself you won’t and that you simply can’t allow your child to become a casualty of your inability to make your marriage work. So you take a deep breath and you try, yet again and you hope for the best.
This is a brave and lovely post. And one that every married person should read. It's HARD to be married. It's HARD to work things through. And it can be, sometimes, even harder to realize that maybe working things through isn't the right thing to do. Right now, it sounds to me like you are keeping your sense of humor, thinking seriously about what comes next and doing your best to make an honest assessment of your marriage. To me, that means you're doing a fantastic job of being married. Whatever happens.And also being a responsible, loving mom – keeping the kids in clear focus along the way.Thanks for being brave enough to share this experience. And know that your bloggy friends are here for you. IRL or online.
wow, you are an amazing writer…… and by the way, it's worth it to work it out
I'm glad you wrote this. I, too, am going through (another) rough patch in my marriage. Its hard for me to write about – though I know its helpful to read about other people going through the same things.
But keep this in mind as you worry about your kids – SOMETHING is bound to scar them. While you *should* try and keep that from being you, keep in mind that kids from divorced families aren't any worse off than kids from married families. I have two very good friends who's parents never divorced but who have had trouble in relationships because of the way their mothers simply put up with what their fathers did.
I'm not saying that I'm ready to throw in the towel on my marriage just yet – but I have peace in my mind knowing that when we finally reach whatever conclusion we come to, I'll be happy, my kids will be happy and everything will be OK.
I'm sorry that you're going through a rough patch. I truly believe that all marriages have them and that it's not necessarily a bad thing for children to see.
If the kids see that their parents are arguing fairly–discussing things, but not being abusive, they will learn that it's okay to have rough patches and that it doesn't mean that everything is over.
Hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're in a rough patch. I think the thing about raising kids is that they are going to get scarred, physically and emotionally. You can't – and shouldn't – protect them from everything. Marriage isn't a fairytale. It's damn hard. It takes work. And kids should know that, too. My mom had her marriage with my father annulled before I was old enough to even sit up and when she remarried a man with two kids of his own (8 years later), it was far from easy. They didn't dump their problems on us, but we could obviously see when there was tension and struggle. I think it gave me a more healthy view of marriage than some friends who grew up in "perfect" households with parents who "never fought." Anyway, it's a struggle from letting the kids in the middle of situations they really shouldn't be, but most of us are there with you at one time or another. Your kids will be ok. Just make sure they know they're loved, and that they aren't the source of any problems. Hope things get better soon!
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