Do Marry Me or We are Breaking Up Ultimatums Really Work?
Let’s face it- guys know what they need to do to buy themselves a little more time.
They give you a drawer in their dresser– this will probably buy them another month. They invite you to meet the parents- yet another month. They give you a key to their apartment- – that’s right they probably have bought themselves yet another month of not having you give them that ” PUT A RING ON IT OR WE ARE THROUGH” ultimatum. But here’s the thing- how long should you hang in there?
Do Marry Me or We are Breaking Up Ultimatums Really Work?
As someone who did indeed LAY DOWN AN Ultimatum to my now husband of 20 years- I can say they only work if THE MAN IS READY.
When I met my husband who is 15 years my senior I felt like I had run rough shod through so many men and had dated so much and endured so many commitment phobic men that I was just unwilling to date yet another guy for six months only to be told yet again- that:
a) he didn’t want to get married until he was at least 40
b) was just looking to have a good time and why did I have to always SPOIL things for him
c) I couldn’t have a key to his apartment because he only gave his mother and cleaning lady a key
So when I met my husband- on our third date I flat out said:
” I don’t want to play games. I want to get married- at some point. If this is not something you think you can do in the near future then this will be our final date”.
20 years later I still remember the look on his face– utter shock, amazement but a smile. I don’t remember his exact words but I do remember him saying that he wanted all those things to.
So what does that say about ultimatums? I think every guy and every situation is unique. I also think timing is everything. I think that had I given my husband that same speech five years earlier he would’ve looked at me and said, “You’re great but I don’t know about marriage”. I also know this- if you are in a relationship and not getting what you want- you will start to feel resentful and this will poison your relationship. I also know that while your friends and family will have their opinions on whether or not you should hand out an ultimatum ultimately You need to to listen to what YOU want- and tune out all the other noise.
I got married pretty young, so I didn’t have any ultimatums. But I am also really unaware of things in the dating world. I was curious how many of those kind of deals actually work out.
No matter whether or not they work out, if a man I have been dating for several months, perhaps years, and he does not make a commitment, then I assume he doesn’t truly love me and I am walking away. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that has no real commitment.
I truly believe that each situation is unique as well. I have a friend who was tired of being in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend after almost 4 years of them going back and forth every couple of months. She finally told him he needed to either get over his commitment issues or marry her or she was moving on because it was too much to handle anymore. He proposed a couple months later despite his biggest fear and now is overjoyed that he did.
You had a goal and you made it known. There’s nothing wrong with that. I am all about keeping things real, especially in relationships. Communication is key after all.
This lists such a coincidence and fortunate situation for me (as I did not meet my husband until he was older): my husband happened to get married to me when he was 40 years old (for his first and hopefully only marriage 🙂 ).
You make some good points in your list here.
I love your story! I agree that this only work for guys that are ready, but I think being direct to the point also plays a big part. We should be honest with our expectations. Thanks for sharing your story.
I know a couple of young men stringing their girls along. The girls know it but play along. Denia, I think.
It is so important to be clear about where you are hoping the relationship is going. I would make sure to have a talk about what he wants for the future and make sure you are on the same page.
I think it’s more about being honest with yourself and your partner. Basically going into the relationship things like marriage should be discussed, such as if both have a future desire to get married, at what point will both of you feel that step is a good step, etc. It’s about advancing the relationship for the long term and ultimatums may end up being married for wrong reasons and in turn be disastrous in the future. It’s a tricky slope …
Of course the best scenario is when a guy proposes for marriage to a girl, it is very mutual. In a good relationship both will feel that connection and it’s very natural. Most of the time you will not find those couples commenting here, they are happily busy in their life.
If you are reading this most likely either you gave or got an ultimatum :).
As a guy if a women gives me an ultimatum, I will respect that ask her if she is fine with signing prenup. Just observe her reaction. I’m not saying she should sign it, but her reaction will tell you about your relationship.
As you may have heard this before every woman wants to get married, but only a few wants to be a wife.
I think it’s important to share your thoughts on this, no need to waste time if you don’t have the same goals for the future.
Well it sounds like you guys were meant for each other! I agree though, a man needs to be ready for marriage. I didn’t give my husband an ultimatum before we got married only because i didn’t want to scare him away lol. We were together for 5 years before we got married and i was ok with that.
You are absolutely right. Man only takes action when they really want.
I’m not so sure that’s an ultimatum so much as it is just being straight up honest. I think that’s the best way to do it, actually.
I love it! You have to know what you want, and you have to let the other person know what you’re looking for. It’s not fair to either of you to be skirting around your needs and just wasting time.
I hinted around with my husband for what felt like forever. He really didn’t get hints.
I dated a guy 2 years in high school and 2 years in college. I found that it wasn’t working out so we broke up. My husband, we will have been married 18 years in Oct, and I started dating we knew that we either marry each other or brake up. We were only on one date and we both knew that we were going to marry each other. He talked to me on the 2nd date and said this might sound silly but I want to talk to you about marrying me. I said this might seem weird also but yes I’m ready to get married also, we were both looking to get married. Our first date was the end of Jan and we were engaged by the end of Feb. We got married on Oct 27 of that year.
We were 21 when we got married.
I’m pretty sure it depends. If its going to work then yes, if not then no. Obviously you cant force someone to marry you but if its right, and heading in that direction anyway it shouldn’t be too hard to say yes!