I’ve been patiently waiting, waiting for some sign, some totem, something that would speak to me and provide this proof that my dad was settled in some sort of after life. I was raised religious and so, I guess my idea of afterlife is heavily influenced by those teachings– but after 43 years on this planet- I’ve come into contact with so many different versions and ideas, that I’m no longer sure what, if any after life really exists.
I do know that I’ve been living with guilt for a really long time. Guilt over not being religious, guilt about leaving the religious world, and anguish over these choices. I’ve definitely allowed this guilt to color my decisions about so many major life events. Although while in the thick of the situation, I don’t think I realized I was operating out of guilt rather than what I, Melissa, really wanted or needed.
I’ve allowed this guilt to continue to dominate me, and of course having my mother reinforce it- well that’s just been the fuel that has kept the fire burning.
But something switched off in me shortly after my dad died. I haven’t been able to quantify it or even articulate it-but today on what would’ve been his 74th birthday – I realize that THIS, this feeling of clarity- THIS must be my father. This must be his energy, his influence, guiding me, telling me to stop allowing my guilt-ridden feelings over religion, and gd to color my life’s choices ( see I can’t even spell the word GD– baby steps). Perhaps in death, my father has been able to teach me the greatest lesson of all- that of clarity and of living. To truly live in the moment, to make decisions not based on fear or guilt, but based on principles and ideas that I hold dear. To create a home and a family and a career that is of my own choosing, and to stop pretending to be something I’m not. And that who I am is more than okay and I don’t need to hide anymore.
In death my father has taught me that all this struggling, and guilty stuff- will do nothing for you except rob you of years of truly expressing what you know is your gift.I think about all the things my father did in his lifetime to pacify others, to keep up a certain appearance, when inside he hated it- actually on many levels despised it- but he did it because he felt trapped in a lifestyle that he could find no escape from. I think about how towards the end of his life he would say how desperately he wanted to move down South and escape NY. But he never had that opportunity.
In death my father has sent me a sign, he’s sent me this immeasurable sense of clarity and peace, and the belief that I need to follow what’s in my heart. I feel like he’s telling me this life is my one chance and I need to go for it. Thank you Daddy, I love you.
Perfect! Really luv it and its true! Wish i fekt something from him too! Maybe i should follow his dream of leaving ny
That’s lovely. What a gift for you. It’s hard to lose your father. I’ve never felt like you have since my dad’s death, but you give me some hope. Thank you.
maybe he has…maybe what he’s showing you is less obvious–
Your dad has taught you that it’s never too late and we are short on time. Live your life honesty and purposeful, that’s what he wanted.
I NEED TO LAMINATE your comment Holly;)
That’s a real blessing and not meant in a religious sense .
beautiful written. live with the love and joy the feeling and memories of your father gives you. LOVE YOU!
A loss like this is so tough, and I want to send you my condolences. =( The greatest give we can get in a time like this is the one that you got. It helps to ease the pain.
I’m glad you’ve been able to move past those old feelings of guilt and live in the moment. I think everyone longs for that kind of freedom!
Clarity is such an important thing to have in your life. I lost my dad back in 2014 and it was hard to move past the guilt.
Grief is so difficult. I love the explanation in Lemony Snicket of stepping up on to a step that isn’t there. That is definitely how it feels. There’s just a void and a loss. So glad you found some ways to find peace.
So sorry for your loss, it’s so difficult to come to terms with the loss of someone so close to us. Glad to hear you’ve found clarity and are able to move forward, I’m sure your father was proud of you and would want nothing but happiness for you.
I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is not easy.. I lost my dad 20 years ago and still have moments of doubt, but I am glad to hear you have found clarity and peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is something we never really get over. We can learn how to move on and live life the way we know they would want us to.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone we love especially a parent is really hard but it is sometimes a way to teach us important lessons in life. I’m glad that you have found peace and clarity.
Losing a parent is not easy, I know how it feels. Glad that you shared this story and you’re a really amazing person. I’m really sorry for your loss.
It so sad to heard a story of losing a parent, sometimes it leaves us a good lesson and I’m really glad that you found peace and clarity.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I lost my mother to leukemia at the end of 2015; I agree there could be many lessons learned by those who were special to us.
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in 2001 when I was 16 to cancer. I don’t think I’ve fully accepted it or made peace with it. I was so young and just kind of ignored all feelings and pushed them aside. Now I’m kind of numb to it all. Clarity is something I really think I NEED to find.
Loss is always so difficult. I am so glad that you could get something positive out of it all and remember him in a positive light.
It sounds to me as though you had nothing to feel guilty about. This is what your father is perhaps trying to tell you. I know people might say differently, but the truth is what you believe, not what others tell you.