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My dad’s death has bestowed me with an unexpected gift; clarity

January 21, 2017 by Melissa Chapman 21 Comments

I’ve been patiently waiting, waiting for some sign, some totem, something that would speak to me and provide this proof that my dad was settled in some sort of after life. I was raised religious and so, I guess my idea of afterlife is heavily influenced by those teachings– but after 43 years on this planet- I’ve come into contact with so many different versions and ideas, that I’m no longer sure what, if any after life really exists.

My dad's death has bestowed me with an unexpected gift; clarity

I do know that I’ve been living with guilt for a really long time. Guilt over not being religious, guilt about leaving the religious world, and anguish over these choices. I’ve definitely allowed this guilt to color my decisions about so many major life events. Although while in the thick of the situation, I don’t think I realized I was operating out of guilt rather than what I, Melissa, really wanted or needed.

I’ve allowed this guilt to continue to dominate me, and of course having my mother reinforce it- well that’s just been the fuel that has kept the fire burning.

But something switched off in me shortly after my dad died. I haven’t been able to quantify it or even articulate it-but today on what would’ve been his 74th birthday – I realize that THIS, this feeling of clarity- THIS must be my father. This must be his energy, his influence, guiding me, telling me to stop allowing my guilt-ridden feelings over religion, and gd to color my life’s choices ( see I can’t even spell the word GD– baby steps). Perhaps in death, my father has been able to teach me the greatest lesson of all- that of clarity and of living. To truly live in the moment, to make decisions not based on fear or guilt, but based on principles and ideas that I hold dear. To create a home and a family and a career that is of my own choosing, and to stop pretending to be something I’m not. And that who I am is more than okay and I don’t need to hide anymore.

In death my father has taught me that all this struggling, and guilty stuff- will do nothing for you except rob you of years of truly expressing what you know is your gift.I think about all the things my father did in his lifetime to pacify others, to keep up a certain appearance, when inside he hated it- actually on many levels despised it- but he did it because he felt trapped in a lifestyle that he could find no escape from. I think about how towards the end of his life he would say how desperately he wanted to move down South and escape NY. But he never had that opportunity.

In death my father has sent me a sign, he’s sent me this immeasurable sense of clarity and peace, and the belief that I need to follow what’s in my heart. I feel like he’s telling me this life is my one chance and I need to go for it. Thank you Daddy, I love you.

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Filed Under: Featured, MMSG, Parenting Tagged With: clarity, dealing with death of a parent, freedom from religious guilt, guilt, married my sugar daddy, Melissa Chapman

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Comments

  1. suzie says

    February 19, 2012 at 2:39 am

    Perfect! Really luv it and its true! Wish i fekt something from him too! Maybe i should follow his dream of leaving ny

    Reply
  2. Guilty Squid says

    February 19, 2012 at 2:45 am

    That’s lovely. What a gift for you. It’s hard to lose your father. I’ve never felt like you have since my dad’s death, but you give me some hope. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Melissa Chapman says

      February 19, 2012 at 2:10 pm

      maybe he has…maybe what he’s showing you is less obvious–

      Reply
  3. Holly says

    February 19, 2012 at 4:15 am

    Your dad has taught you that it’s never too late and we are short on time. Live your life honesty and purposeful, that’s what he wanted.

    Reply
    • Melissa Chapman says

      February 19, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      I NEED TO LAMINATE your comment Holly;)

      Reply
  4. Barbara Pflughaupt says

    February 19, 2012 at 5:55 am

    That’s a real blessing and not meant in a religious sense .

    Reply
  5. Nikki @ MommyFactor says

    March 15, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    beautiful written. live with the love and joy the feeling and memories of your father gives you. LOVE YOU!

    Reply
  6. Stacie @ Divine Lifestyle says

    January 23, 2017 at 2:04 pm

    A loss like this is so tough, and I want to send you my condolences. =( The greatest give we can get in a time like this is the one that you got. It helps to ease the pain.

    Reply
  7. Liz Mays says

    January 23, 2017 at 9:18 pm

    I’m glad you’ve been able to move past those old feelings of guilt and live in the moment. I think everyone longs for that kind of freedom!

    Reply
  8. Pam Wattenbarger says

    January 23, 2017 at 10:29 pm

    Clarity is such an important thing to have in your life. I lost my dad back in 2014 and it was hard to move past the guilt.

    Reply
  9. Meagan says

    January 23, 2017 at 11:01 pm

    Grief is so difficult. I love the explanation in Lemony Snicket of stepping up on to a step that isn’t there. That is definitely how it feels. There’s just a void and a loss. So glad you found some ways to find peace.

    Reply
  10. Karen says

    January 24, 2017 at 12:02 am

    So sorry for your loss, it’s so difficult to come to terms with the loss of someone so close to us. Glad to hear you’ve found clarity and are able to move forward, I’m sure your father was proud of you and would want nothing but happiness for you.

    Reply
  11. Theresa says

    January 24, 2017 at 2:03 am

    I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is not easy.. I lost my dad 20 years ago and still have moments of doubt, but I am glad to hear you have found clarity and peace.

    Reply
  12. Ann Bacciaglia says

    January 24, 2017 at 3:14 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is something we never really get over. We can learn how to move on and live life the way we know they would want us to.

    Reply
  13. Toni | Boulder Locavore says

    January 24, 2017 at 1:23 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone we love especially a parent is really hard but it is sometimes a way to teach us important lessons in life. I’m glad that you have found peace and clarity.

    Reply
  14. Dana Vento says

    January 24, 2017 at 1:39 pm

    Losing a parent is not easy, I know how it feels. Glad that you shared this story and you’re a really amazing person. I’m really sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  15. Our Family World says

    January 24, 2017 at 1:42 pm

    It so sad to heard a story of losing a parent, sometimes it leaves us a good lesson and I’m really glad that you found peace and clarity.

    Reply
  16. Seattle Travel Blogger says

    January 24, 2017 at 2:32 pm

    I am very sorry for your loss.
    I lost my mother to leukemia at the end of 2015; I agree there could be many lessons learned by those who were special to us.

    Reply
  17. Jeanine says

    January 24, 2017 at 6:15 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in 2001 when I was 16 to cancer. I don’t think I’ve fully accepted it or made peace with it. I was so young and just kind of ignored all feelings and pushed them aside. Now I’m kind of numb to it all. Clarity is something I really think I NEED to find.

    Reply
  18. Robin Rue says

    January 24, 2017 at 6:44 pm

    Loss is always so difficult. I am so glad that you could get something positive out of it all and remember him in a positive light.

    Reply
  19. Dawn McAlexander says

    January 24, 2017 at 11:58 pm

    It sounds to me as though you had nothing to feel guilty about. This is what your father is perhaps trying to tell you. I know people might say differently, but the truth is what you believe, not what others tell you.

    Reply

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