Last night lying in bed next to my husband— during our usual ritual of him being asleep at the crack of 8:30 pm ( being a sugar Daddy and all- the guy needs his full eight hours of rest) and me, and answering emails on my blackberry – yes we’ve got that pillow talk down to an absolute science I get this pretty horrible message. The kind of email that shakes you to your very core and threatens all I really have as a writer, my reputation and my integrity.
While I’d love to hash out the nitty gritty of this e-mail, which threw me into a full-on panic attack; I won’t go there right now. As I struggled to defend myself via four consecutive e-mails at 10:30 pm- just as I was finally dozing off to the land of zz’s and so they were likely not as coherent as I would’ve liked them to be– what I needed from this man lying just two inches from me was comfort. And while I’m not sure what he could’ve said, it just seems my husband always finds a way to sleep through the moments in my life that I feel most panicked and need him most.
Of course when I confronted him this morning, he gives me his usual, “well I didn’t know what to say,” routine (his usual fallback statement) to which I responded, “Anything, rather than silence would have been nice.”
Sometimes it’s not words that will do but actions like holding you that make all the difference. I don’t know what he could have said since we aren’t privy to your e mail but it really boils down to being “seen” I’m in pain right here in front of you! Talk it out because while we need to love people for who they are we don’t need to except everything!
ok, so short answer. no. most men probably don’t know what the right thing to say in those kinds of situations (even worse if they are already in sleep mode). Really, you need to have a discussion while awake and explain what exactly you need during those chaotic moments. Is it a hug? is it words of wisdom (remember,men like trying to fix things) or just words of comfort (and explain what those are). This i have learned from therapy and much self help books and has helped a ton. Not only for him, but for me as well. I learned to listen better when he kvetches about work, or whatever.