I wish I had all the answers. In fact I was sure at 44 years old that I’d have answers to just about any question or be prepared to tackle any situation my kids came up against. And when they were toddlers and pre-schoolers and even early on in grammar school that is what i did. I was that mom I thought they needed- I could anticipate and swoop in to catch them before their proverbial fall. If they cried; wiping away their tears, kissing their heads and telling them it was all going to be okay- REALLY did make it okay. I figured the tough parts of their tweendom and teendom and all those growing pains were going to be as easy to navigate and kiss away as they were back in the early days. I believed that giving them a foundation of complete security- a place where venting, screaming and feeling safe to be completely vulnerable, raw and exposed would be all they would ultimately need to function and be successful outside the confines of our familial walls.
But this year I got thrown a curve ball. SUPERMOM could not swoop in and fix. Supermom couldn’t kiss it all away. Supermom had to be okay with NOT BEING SUPERMOM.
Without going into specifics because now that my daughter is a teenager she does not want her experiences and life written about without her direct consent, she has said it is okay that I share a snippet of one of so many long and often laborious and heart-wrenching conversations we’ve had as I watch her navigate the murky waters of teen relationships with the opposite sex. In the middle of one of our talks she said, “Mommy you know what I realized– I am my own best friend”.
And while I know deep in the center of my heart that it’s good that she feels comfortable and confident that she can go it alone, it makes me feel so sad that this lesson ( which we all learn at some point) came this soon. And in some ways while it is true that being comfortable in your own skin is a gift and of course a process that will be a life-long journey for my daughter- in some ways it makes me sad that I can’t wish this away- and/or create a magical boyfriend for her that she can depend on at least some of the time.
There are a million ways I want to fix this. But I don’t. I take off my supermom cape and all I tell her say is, “I love you. You make me so proud. There is good and there is bad in this world and I know you will find your person, you will find a partner and ultimately the most important relationship you will have is with yourself.”
I can’t lie- I really want to put that cape on and fly her away from any pain- but I know in doing so I am not allowing her to experience what she needs to. So I hug her and kiss her and tell her it’s all going to be okay, even if it isn’t okay, right now, in this moment.
My mom had four girls (and one boy), and she had three teens at one time. When my sisters and I look back, we can’t understand why we gave her such a hard time – about everything! I still hear people saying wait til your daughter(s) are teens! Doesn’t make it much easier when you can’t solve everything or convince them of what is for the best! It is good she says she is her own best friend!
She is an amazingly strong young lady and she is going to be JUST FINE in life. After all, look who she has to look up to 😉
This is wonderful. As much as we want to fix everything and always be there, one day we wont be there and we do have to put that supermom cape up to let them grow up and learn. Harder than it sounds though.
My kids are just babies, but I can imagine how hard it is for you not to be able to fix everything. I’m sure your daughter will be just fine though – you wore the cape long enough, she’ll have learned from you. 🙂
This is the hardest part about parenting. The thing is, now there are more of these moments since they don’t really stop.
I don’t have children yet but I can imagine it’s a tough day when you transition from being able to swoop in and fix problems to having to allow your child to learn their own lessons and navigate life with your distance guidance when required. But it’s an exciting chapter nonetheless!
It must be so hard when someone you love tells you something like that and there’s nothing you can do. You seem like such a great Mom and your daughter is lucky to have someone like you!
I love it, taking the supermom cape off would also mean allowing your kids to fully experience the things that come with living life. I think it’s a great realization especially when you’re parenting a teen.
This is hard. My oldest daughter turned 18 this year and started college, although she is still at home. I’m been supermom, swooping in her whole life saving her from her mistakes, but this year I had to stop. This year I’ve had to watch her fail when she’s made mistakes. I’ve offered advice rather than telling her what to do to fix the situation. It’s hard putting away that cape.
I felt the exact same thing when my eldest entered her tween and then her teen years. It was tough to let go because I was so used to holding so tight, but if I didn’t, I would have taken away experiences and life lessons from her.
Being a teen is so hard.. and you just want to save them from heartache.. but it is part of growing up.. as much as it kills us.
I think it is amazing how wise your daughter is and how she has realized from a young age that not all relationships work out. It is a lesson that we can all learn from x
This is such a great inspiration to moms out there. I can’t wait to share it with all my moms friends.
It is better to learn to be good by yourself at a younger age even though it seems sad. It really isn’t, it just means she is a strong person that isn’t going to waste time with people that aren’t worth it. I will feel the same way as you do as a mom when my kids get to that age. 🙂
Your daughter is such a wise young woman. Knowing she is her own best friend will take her far as she grows up.
This is certainly something learned and takes everyone in a different path. Thanks for sharing.
I guess you kind of have to be your own best friend, right? Who better
Oh lordy I am not looking forward to this stage of motherhood. Sounds like you’re doing a great job and your daughter is lucky to have such a smart and supportive mom in her corner.
I remember being her age. It is such a hard time because so many things are so new! I think you are doing the best thing for her and she will always come to you if you leave that door open for her!
It can be so hard to watch our kids in pain. You sound like a great mom with a daughter who has a smart head squarely on her shoulders!
It can be hard wanting to protect our children from anything and everything and we just can’t. Especially when they get older. She is going to do great with having a mama like you!
The teen years are so tough for kids, girls especially! My daughter is only 8, but I am already bracing myself…I’m sure I will want to put on my super hero cape too!!
We have to be okay with not being able to fix everything or we’ll make ourselves absolutely crazy! You are a supermom and recognizing what we can’t fix is part of that process.
All parents want to spare their kids from pain but we also have to let them make their own mistakes and learn from their experiences so they can be functioning adults. Even though I’m a grown women I still hear my mom’s voice in my head as I navigate life. It helps me keep her close, especially since losing her 3 months ago, and guides me through those rough spots.
This is a phase of parenting that I’m most worried about with my girls down the road—the part where you can’t swoop in and fix everything. A genuine thank you for putting this out there. And *hugs* to you and that wonderful human you’re raising.
I can completely identify with the need of wanting to be supermom. One of the hardest things we do as a mom is letting them learn on their own. She’ll be ok because she has you in her life – as an example and most importantly, a mom.
At least she knows she can talk to you about these things! That’s great in itself. Raising girls is hard.