Sometimes you write a blog post- in this case about keeping secrets in your marriage-and have no idea how your words will resonate with a reader. I am thrilled that this reader took the time to jot down her thoughts and share them with me- and now I have the privilege to share them with all of you… Should you tell your husband your truth? This reader comes clean in her marriage.
Last night my husband and I had a huge heart-to-heart and we told each other EVERYTHING. We told each other about the shameful things we’ve tried to forget for years, about the embarrassing things, about all of our past experiences. We knew quite a bit about each other before, but for some reason this past week I’ve felt that I NEEDED to come clean about certain parts of my past that I’m not proud of. It was really hard at first, and I wondered if I was doing the right thing, but then the wall fell down and he told me about all of the things that HE’D done and tried to forget and everything. Was it hard? Yes. Was it embarrassing? Yes. Was it worth it? Completely. It’s amazing to know that he trusts me with his deepest, darkest secrets, and that I trust him enough to tell him mine.
This only happened last night, and to be honest I wasn’t sure if it was something that other truly happy couples did or not, but I had prayed about it and had asked God what to do, and I felt directed to do this. Now, my husband didn’t come right out and tell me his secrets right off the bat, but after I’d admitted all of mine he started telling me his. Some of it was a little hurtful (before our marriage, we had both had a fling while we were dating, I felt HORRIBLE about my lapse in judgment, but knowing that we had both done it, no matter how wrong it was, made me feel like he was just as human as me, and that neither of us is perfect). But we’ve both been extremely faithful since we said our vows, and you know what, it’s nice to look him in the eyes and know that he knows everything awful about me.
I felt like I had to get those things out, to share them with somebody else, in order for me to put the past behind me. I dwell on things that I’ve done, especially bad things, and I think now I can finally put all of those things to rest (not necessarily forget them, but to look back and see them and NOT berate myself for mistakes made in youth and ignorance). I feel like I can finally be 100% committed in my relationship to him, and in my relationship to God. I was NOT the perfect Christian, but I’ve realized that none of us are.
Opening up to my husband makes me feel like we have a deeper bond than we ever had before, and I’m so excited about where this will take us. We had a good marriage before, but I always felt like an actor playing a part instead of truly, honestly being myself. It’s so relieving now to finally be bare in front of him, and him in front of me, and to know that he STILL loves me for who I am, and I still love him for who he is.
I’m sorry this is so long, I just felt like I had to share my experience with others. I’m excited about having the type of marriage that is strong enough to last decades, and to be HAPPY in my marriage, instead of somebody who’s married just because or who is stuck in a marriage that they desperately want out of.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I know that there are more things that I’m going to find out about my husband in the years to come, but I also know that right now, I know all of his deepest secrets, and he knows mine. The things that we’ll find out from here on will be things that are funny, or an experience, or something else. We’ve seen the person that the other person was at their worst, and still love each other, and are even more committed to keeping our marriage alive and well.
I’m not sure that this is right for every couple, because I’ve seen some awful divorces and I’m sure with the type of information my husband and I have shared a divorce could turn ugly. I prayed (for the last week!) and felt it pressed, literally pressed hard, on my heart to share this with him. He’s truly and honestly my absolute best friend, but if I had any doubts about that, or about the ability of our marriage to last, I don’t think I would’ve shared this stuff with him. I guess it depends on an individual basis, what works for one marriage isn’t always going to work for another. I know people who are happily married who keep TONS of secrets from their spouse, everything from their embarrassing early experiences to shopping trips, money, or even affairs. I didn’t want that type of marriage, where I lied to my husband about things (even if they’re little things like how much I spent at the store). I wanted a marriage where I could tell him ANYTHING. I think I’ve finally got that, and I can’t wait to see what happens next for us!