Before I met my husband I was a self-described serial dater. It's not that I had a problem getting dates; rather, committing to those second dates is what I found so difficult. ( I needed to read this post Stop Expecting your Husband to be Mr. Perfect back then- but I digress.)
In fact I could usually hear my mother's voice, playing on an almost continuous loop in the small of my mind shouting, “Oh, you're too picky! So what if his hands are big? What's wrong with a guy who wears a sweat suit on a date? You're never going to give me grandchildren!
But I still couldn't bring myself to overlook those characteristics I disdained. I bought into the perfection fantasy.
Sure, I'd admit I was no where near perfection personified either. Still, even after 20 years of marriage regardless of fully accepting my own flaws, there were and still are just certain non-negotiables I can't seem to adapt to in a mate. hence this post Stop Expecting your Husband to be Mr. Perfect and Let Go of Phrases like, “You complete me”.
According to Dr. Karin Anderson, Associate Professor of Psychology and Counselor Education at Concordia University Chicago and author of the book, It Just Hasn't Happened Yet, unrealistic expectations can work against you in your quest for love. In fact, Dr. Anderson notes, if you see yourself in any of these categories, you may be sabotaging your love life without even realizing it! (And I am likely a #1 Saboteur!)
#1 Unrealistic expectations of perfection: Enough with the soul mate idea already.
#2 Unrealistic expectations of similarity: Your man will never want to go to the mall with you and your girlfriend's eyes will always glaze over when you prattle off MLB stats.
#3 Unrealistic expectations of romance: Eventually, he won't bring you flowers anymore and she'll start wearing sweats to bed. You can bank on it.
#4 Unrealistic expectations of change: If it's not working, get out so you make room for the right one to come along.
#5 Unrealistic expectations of fulfillment: You complete me is a bad line from Jerry McGuire, not a philosophy for a healthy relationship. It's the new millennium. Complete yourself.
So now what?
Dr. Anderson says, if you find you resonate with any of the above, here are some surefire ways to let go of unrealistic expectations and let love in! aka
Stop Expecting your Husband to be Mr. Perfect
#1 Perfection: It's not that you have to abandon the hope of finding a soul mate entirely; you just need to expand your conception of the term. Maybe it's time you recognize the soul mates you already have in your life kindred spirits like your best friend or your dear Aunt Marie. True, finding a confidante is a rare gift, yet it's possible you'll meet several soul mates throughout your lifetime. But realize your soul mate doesn't have to come in the form of a romantic partner!
#2 Similarity: Of course you want to be married to someone with similar interests, but it's unrealistic to think your paramour will share every single one of your passions and pursuits. Furthermore, if you're heterosexual, you can forget about this for sure because men and women can only relate on so much then our hormones take over and propel us in opposite directions he to the court to play pick-up basketball, she to the salon for a mani-pedi.
Expecting your partner to do everything you do is a recipe for misery. Here's a thought, how about calling up the friends. They really miss you and would love to check out that shoe sale at Macy's.
#3 Before I met my husband I was a self-described serial dater. It's not that I had a problem getting dates; rather, committing to those second dates is what I found so difficult. In fact I could usually hear my mother's voice, playing on an almost continuous loop in the small of my mind shouting, “Oh, you're too picky! So what if his hands are big? What's wrong with a guy who wears a sweat suit on a date? You're never going to give me grandchildren! But I still couldn't bring myself to overlook those characteristics I disdained.
Don't move in with a guy, get mad that he no longer woos you, and leave him because his feet smell and he belches in bed. When you broke out the sweats and scuncis, you sent the message that wining and dining was no longer top priority.
#4 Change: We complain, complain, complain and want them to change, change, change, but we're missing the whole point of marriage. The goal isn't to alter someone to fit you; it's to find someone who's already a good fit. We socialize children, not partners. If you're not happy because your lover lacks qualities you desire, it's your fault for sticking around.
#5 Fulfillment: It's your job to fulfill yourself. Period. A companion should compliment your life, not complete it. Expecting someone to fill your intrapersonal voids is not only immature, it's impossible. No one can make you happy. No one can give your life meaning and purpose. No one can save you from yourself. Until you recognize this, you'll keep dismissing perfectly wonderful partners because they haven't been able to miraculously bandage up all your psychological wounds or haul off your emotional baggage.
SO…do you see yourself in any of these points and if so– whatcha gonna do about it?!
I happen to think that there is that someone for everyone. I met my husband on a Friday night and we both just knew. We moved in together on Saturday. That was 28 years ago and to this day we have never spent a single night apart. He’s my best friend and yes sometimes we drive each other crazy, but we’re committed to each other and we love to spend time together. I’ve never questioned that commitment. In the early years, I did all of the household stuff while he worked. These days, because I am now disabled he does it all. Because we both know that it has to be done and if one can’t the other picks up the slack. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. My husband does laundry (at a laundry mat even), does the grocery shopping or whatever I need him to do. Our marriage is our success story not one or the other.
Oh my gosh….THIS! I’ve been married for over 30 years now and it’s hard work and a total partnership, not something out of a romance novel ;-))
I hate the phrase YOU COMPLETE ME. Since when do you NEED SOMEONE? Uh, you don’t! If people “need” others in order to live, well, then, I am sorry to say this but they need to be ALONE more than anything in order to feel fully confident with themselves. My husband… I don’t need him – I WANT HIM. There is a HUGE difference! He and I go hand in hand. We compliment each other.
We’ve been married 42 years and together 44. When we heard that line in the movie, we both laughed and got death stares from some of the movie goers. HA! Lots of food for thought here.
Oh yeah, perfection is boring and I would not want my husband or myself to ever be perfect. Yawn. Also, I can be apart from him, which is good because he’s in the military and deploys often. So I’m without him a lot, and that’s okay!
These are good things to think about when in a long-term relationship. Marriages do require work but you can\’t expect to alter every aspect of someone\’s personality to your liking.
I love everything about this post! I really believe it’s not usually other people that disappoint us, but our own expectations of them that do. And it’s not healthy or fair to hold someone else to unrealistic expectations. I accept that my husband is not “perfect” and that I’m not either, but together our relationship is pretty amazing because we both accept each other for who we are.
Expecting perfection from anyone is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. These are smart tips indeed. It’s important to embrace every person’s individual flaws.
I love this post! I would hope I never put more pressure on my hubby to make him think he needs perfect! I know I am not! I love my hubby just the way he is! He is my perfect!
Yes. I think this is key to so much in a marriage. Going in with high expectations is sure to have let downs. No one is perfect so dropping these types of thoughts is especially important.
I think this post is so great and very true. Nobody is perfect, so nobody should expect anyone to be. There will always be ups and downs, but that’s okay.
These are all so true! I am not married yet but I don’t want to believe that I need a man just to have a complete life.
I love this so much! As lovely as a romantic movie sounds, that just isn’t real life romance. The fairy tale mask comes off eventually and you gotta embrace your partner, flaws and all.
Great post. We’re all able to be independent and not depend on anyone!
You guys look great together! I absolutely love this article! My husband and I have different interests, the only thing that connects us is our love for food 🙂
I somehow got lucky… I married a man 20+ years ago who believes in the romance. He never stopped bringing me flowers. We adapt and change with one another. I think the issue is more people get married expecting to change the other person… and then the idea if it isn’t working that they need to move on, not work on things. Unrealistic expectations kill all kinds of relationships sadly and I do agree with that part for sure!
This is too funny because it is true! Love how real you are in this blog post!
A lot of food for thought here, and good points. You should never want someone to complete you should, complete yourself. Everything they do should be a bonus.