I never thought I’d be one of those wives who would find her husband up late at night surfing porn. Why did I think my guy was immune to the seductive lure of ogling titillating images? Well because my husband is not at all computer savvy- he doesn’t text, tweet or post on Facebook and he rarely goes on the internet. I’d sooner find him with a stash of hard copy magazines under the bed than I would online…OR SO I THOUGHT.
A while back, our computer suddenly wouldn’t turn on. At the time we only had one laptop – and I’d say I was the one on it 90 percent of the time. When I was finally able to get the computer back up in safe mode, I jumped on Google to check out the recent activity- as perhaps it might indicate a bad site or download that would identify what was causing the problem. And lo and behold…I saw three searches for sites our Victorian ancestors would not approve of. I questioned my husband and he admitted it. He was guilty as charged.
I still think back to that moment and thinking how could this be my conservative husband- why would he need to look at images on a computer when he has me right here, standing in front of him. Did he seek this out because I had failed him in some way and was not performing my wifely duties up to snuff? He assured me – AFTER we took the computer to be fixed (yes his little habit got our computer a big ole virus) that he wouldn’t do these searches anymore. And knowing that my husband isn’t frivolous with his money, I’m pretty confident he’s kicked this habit cold. But the fact that he did it makes me wonder what else he’s done without my knowledge – and what lurks in his heart.
I know that as a woman and a wife I am not alone in having a partner who has satisfied his curiosity about porn. But I wondered do other women feel betrayed and slightly humiliated by their husband’s behavior- or do you take it in stride?
My mother has a big issue with this. When it has come up she felt a similar sense of betrayal, hurt, and anger. So you’re not alone by any means. I know a number of women who share those feelings when it comes to porn.
My own partner isn’t very interested in porn. However I don’t consider myself lucky. Porn is a non-issue for me. Having watched porn I don’t really see the appeal. The women aren’t more attractive. They’re just normal women and frankly, they can’t compare. They will NEVER be standing right in front of him. They’re not real and whatever emotion they’re conveying is most likely just a performance.
I’ve been told that most men are highly visual when it comes to their needs. We have erotica of our own. We meet our needs in other ways. If porn is emotional infidelity then every women who has enjoyed the “Fifty Shades” trilogy was equally unfaithful. Again, I’d like to stress the fact that porn actresses are just that. They are paid to perform just so. They aren’t paid to be themselves. Porn, for the most part, is fiction (granted, it is degrading to both genders but that’s a topic for another day.)
I think in the end it comes down to trust and clear communication. Every women has her own level of comfort when it comes to this. If porn is an issue then it should be addressed just like any other problem should be.