As a mother- I work overtime to continually counteract my daughter’s negative statements with positive ones. I’ve also forked over a cool, $399 for new frames and spent many an early morning before she heads to school burning my fingers to a crisp straightening her hair.
Yet I wonder; perhaps working overtime attempting to help her attain a look she is pleased with is the wrong way to go about it. When it comes to Teaching our daughters the definition of real beauty the bottom line is, short of hiring Louis Licari as her personal hair stylist and Rachel Zoe to meet her wardrobing needs- no amount of reassurance on my part is going to assuage her of her insecurities.
How can we go about Teaching our daughters the definition of real beauty- and that this physical stuff is unimportant compared to what lies beneath the exterior? Every day I’m shuffling….trying to indoctrinate her with knowledge, encourage her academic and intellectual pursuits and convince her these are traits which are far more worthy and as seductive as that pin straight hair she pines for….but feeling like I’m engaging in an uphill battle and that we’ve only just begun.
Teaching our daughters the definition of real beauty
For starters moms need to do away with statements like these; “Let me help you fix your hair so it looks cute,” or “Let’s go to the mall and buy you a new outfit.”
Us moms need to come up with other mother daughter activities than going to the mall. Go on a local hike, ride bikes together or do something unique like checking out an art exhibit you normally wouldn’t attend. There’s nothing better than getting young girls involved in volunteering and helping others. Moms and daughters can volunteer to walk dogs at a local animal shelter; especially since the dogs don’t care if you come with messy hair and worn-out jeans. All These experiences ultimately teach girls that what they do is more important than what they look like.
Of course all this being said, in regard to society’s obsession with appearance and not letting those messages enter my realm of thinking is not entirely possible.
If there is a brand of clothes that has magic powers to make her feel pretty, I’m all for it. Living in NYC there’s no way to avoid the very close connection between feeling “good enough” and outward beauty. Unfortunately That’s just not going to change because confidence in your outward appearance helps allow your inner real beauty to shine.
In my effort to get my daughter to believe and appreciate that, just as she is, she is indeed enough, and to soften the impact of outside pressures I try to provide my daughter with a loving and powerful reminder throughout her day that she is already enough by default.
As mothers, when it comes to teaching our daughters about real beauty, we need to work from the inside out. And next time I hear even the slightest bit of self defeatist speak I will take her face into my hands and tell her, ” just as you are, simply put, you are enough.”
Misty Nelson says
February 13, 2019 at 12:35 amFantastic post and so important! Women struggle with so much when it comes to body issues. It’s imperative that we give girls as much support and confidence as we can so they learn to love their bodies and their selves completely. I love that you are sharing that idea!
Tanya @ Moms Small Victories says
February 13, 2019 at 12:58 amAs a girl, I was always insecure and feeling I wasn’t pretty enough. It’s hard for many of us to get over that feeling that we aren’t enough, whether it’s in our appearance, or our careers or our lifestyle. I love that you are teaching daughter that she is enough and empowering her to see the beauty in herself, which is often harder to see than the beauty in others.
Now I’m a mother of sons and my challenge is teaching my boys that real beauty is inside and out, not to fall for just the prettiest face.
Jessi says
February 13, 2019 at 2:04 amMy daughter is 4, and I feel like the best way I can help her love her body is I have to love mine. I know, easier said than done! But if she hears me talk negatively about myself, it will become normal to her to do it about herself.
Marcie says
February 13, 2019 at 3:34 amI love the idea of mothers doing activities with their daughters that don’t revolve around beauty or fashion. It always seems to be going to the spa, getting nails done, shopping, etc. I love the idea of doing something outdoorsy or trying a new thing!
Yona Williams says
February 13, 2019 at 4:52 amThere are so many things to wonder about when it comes to guiding a child, especially in this day and age. I think it’s very important that young ladies learn about ‘real beauty’ from their family before outside influences get a chance to make an impression.
a Book for My Daughter says
February 13, 2019 at 9:09 amMy daughter is almost 12, and like you, I have worried about her image of herself since the moment I first knew I had a daughter. So dar, my daughter doesn’t spend much time complaining about her looks, but when h=she has had issues in the past, I just dealt with them head-on. When she was 9, kids were teasing her that she had hair above her lip, I told her that it’s more common than she thinks, and many women take care of it. I told her that we don’t need to tell anyone, it doesn’t need to be public knowledge. I weighed the decision against the possible impact teasing would have on her self-esteem, and we decided to bleach her upper lip.
It’s not easy being the mom to a girl, and I don’t think I know the answer, but for me the key to all of this is talking. Just as I talked to her about this issue, I also tell her how I feel about body issues, including anorexia, bulemia, plastic surgery, etc. I hope it’s enough.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on such an important topic.
Krystal // The Krystal Diaries says
February 13, 2019 at 11:09 amI don’t have any kids but I can’t imagine how hard it is raising teenagers in today’s day. I think it’s harder with girls at times because society focusing so much on the superficial when it comes to girls. From the moment they are born so many people only care about the cute clothes and accessories. I agree, it’s important to do things with girls that don’t always involve clothes, makeup or hair.
Marisa says
February 13, 2019 at 11:19 amLove this. My daughter is 12 & this is happening right now. Thank goodness because I’m kinda plain so is she. I’m letting her embrace her natural curly hair that she seems to be hate at the moment..but these are great tips. Thanks for sharing.
Allison says
February 13, 2019 at 2:02 pmI love this! I don’t have a daughter yet, just a son, but I know that raising girls must be so tough. I will save this for later!
Charlotte says
February 13, 2019 at 3:36 pmThis is so important, it is hard enough growing up as a young woman, let alone dealing with society and it’s ever changing concepts of beauty!
Janel Berchielli says
February 13, 2019 at 5:33 pmMy daughter is grown now but I also try to word things differently to her as she is very sensitive to comments and often takes a compliment as an insult.
Carolyn says
February 13, 2019 at 6:43 pmI love the idea of focusing on hiking and other activities rather than shopping with tween girls. Great tips.
Donah Davila says
February 13, 2019 at 7:19 pmI feel these are great tips not just for kids but to any young woman in our life that we can help and guide. Sometimes we have to examples for others. Not always teenagers listen to what we try to teach them but we can set the roots and maybe they will follow.
Mandy Carter says
February 13, 2019 at 8:48 pmI have a three year old daughter so I think about this all the time. I think it is important to empower her to focus on being a well rounded individual. Teaching her that she can be beautiful and fit while also being smart and accomplishing great things.
Tereza says
February 13, 2019 at 9:08 pmGreat tips – I’m not a mum but these are great tips for just encouraging anyone around you, not just your children. Thank you for sharing xx
Angela Tolsma says
February 13, 2019 at 11:14 pmIt’s great that you are focusing on finding ways to make strong beautiful women of your daughters. Personally it all comes from leading by example, if they have great role models it makes a huge difference. Anyway to boost a childs esteem is good!