I thought I was above the superficiality of titles. I did. I must be. I’ve supported my husband’s decision to stop practicing medicine. I want him to be happy. I want him to find whatever it is that will fulfill him in life. I want him to find his passion, or at least I convinced myself I did until he recently told me about his plans for a new career.
I share pretty much everything on this blog, but can’t divulge the specifics of the job just yet- but suffice it to say- he will not be using even a smidgen of the 12 plus years he invested in medical school, residencies, fellowships and the latter in this new position. And well, I don’t support it. In fact, as ashamed as I am to admit this, I’m even a little embarrassed by it. That makes me sound awful- like a true title coveter (or something like that).
Obviously a person has to respect what their spouse does; and when I married my spouse the level of awe and respect I had for him, in his steadfast ability to get through medical school and become a double board certified internist and nephrologist- well it was through the roof- intense. I was blinded by his white coat, stethescope and the power he exuded doing his hospital rounds- all of it- well it just had me swooning.
Of course back then I didn’t see how miserable he was… or maybe I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. I liked the man I married- and while I felt such a sense of respect and awe for the job he did everyday-inside he was slowly wasting away. And later, after he left medicine, he told me each day as he drove his car over the bridge to get to work, he considered just driving straight into the sea.
I know, this is part of my marriage contract; to go with the ebb and flow of what develops- I never had my husband sign a legally binding document in blood that he would never change- that he’d remain exactly who he was, frozen in time at the age of 40 for the duration of our union. I know it’s ridiculous to even suggest that he wouldn’t change, but by the same token I feel robbed of a life that I thought I would have- that I’d envisioned. And in the same breath I know that part of being married is allowing for and accepting the changes and decisions your spouse makes; unfortunately I am having a very hard time grappling with this one.