Before being inducted into the minute-by-minute insanity we call motherhood, where peeing with the door closed is a luxury, talking on the phone without someone one screaming in the background is not an option and more often than not I’ve got little arms and legs wrapped around me at 2 am, instead of my husband’s large hairy ones, I’d envisioned full-time motherhood as the ultimate fairytale come to life!
When I was six months pregnant with my now 17 old-year-old daughter I was more than happy to trade in my pseudo Melanie Griffith working girl status- minus the aqua-netted hair and sneakers-I wouldn’t be caught dead walking the streets of NYC in a pair of City Slips, for full-time stay at home motherhood.
Yeah- I don’t know what the hell I was thinking! Instead of breathlessly running for subways and navigating the minefield of catty office politics I had visions of waking up each morning, to the sweet sounds of babies cooing, sunlight streaming though my windows, lounging in my pajamas, sipping coffee, while my little cherub sat snugly in her pink onesie staring up at me adoringly.
Of course any mom in the trenches could’ve warned me that I was in for a rude awakening and that those early years of motherhood would be more akin to basic training in the army. They probably should’ve warned me that I wouldn’t be sipping any liquid leisurely for quite some time I probably wouldn’t be afforded the luxury of waking up past 6:30 am on a weekend or weekday and I’d be spending many nights trying to duck the projectile vomit, my son had a nasty habit of spewing just after he’d been tucked into a nice clean crib.
And after all these years what I’ve learned is that being an imperfect parent is actually the greatest gift we can give out kids, and I’m happy to share some parenting pointers to help you and your kids resolve to be less perfect and more present!
Lisa Earle McLeod, author of “Forget Perfect” and “Finding Grace when You Can’t Even Find Clean Underwear,” is a mom who made a New Year’s resolution to watch more TV with her kids because she finally realized that setting the DVR to record a National Geographic special would create a better family evening than trying to engage her kids in a board game when she was exhausted. Is it the perfect solution? Hardly, but picnics and Parcheesi just aren’t happening for this working mom.
Check out McLeod’s resolutions for every mom who needs a little nudge to chuck her to-do list in the garbage!
Forget perfect: The perfect picture in your head of the way your life and your kids SHOULD be is keeping you from enjoying the way it actually is.
Quit the comparathon: It doesn’t matter what your mother did, or how your neighbor does it, or how color-coordinated the kids look in the Pottery Barn ad, the only person judging you on your life is you. Instead of worrying about what the neighbors think, give yourself some time and space to decide what you think.
Connect and make a difference: We’re at our best when we’re connected to other people and we know what we’re doing with our time. Instead of mindlessly checking items off on your to-do list this year, identify the long-term impact of your actions.
Don’t dump your friends: You don’t do your kids, or yourself, any favors by always putting your friends on the back-burner. If you’re a woman, studies show that when you’re with your women friends your bodies release oxcytocin, a feel-good hormone that does what Prozac and Percocet can’t touch. It’s not selfish to make time for friends; if you’re a parent, it’s survival.
Identify your windows: Instead of worrying about how your whole life is going to turn out, focus on what experiences you want for yourself and this family this year. Not what you want to accomplish, but what you want to actually experience. Your life is a series of windows and this is the only year your child will ever be 2 or 12 again, when you look back at this year, how are you going to wish you spent this time?
Overall: Once people learn to quit living in the land of I shoulda, coulda, woulda, they can step into the joy of the present moment. You don’t have to wait until you get the baby out of diapers, or lose 10 pounds to start loving your life. You deserve to have happiness, and yes even fun, in this life, the one that you have right now, so “forget perfect” and start living it, because guess what? You’re not going to get another one.
So what “perfect resolutions” are you going to let go of and which ones are you going to bring into your life?
There is no such thing as a perfect parent or perfect kid. Nobody is perfect. Which takes the stress off of us. We love our kids even when they aren’t perfect and they will love us as well.
Oh yeah, I never went for perfection. It’s boring. I just need my kids to be healthy at the end of the day–happy too, but sometimes they are not when I enforce certain rules. I think people would be much happier if they let go of perfection and embrace average.
Back in the day when my kids were growing up, it seems we were all trying to obtain that forever elusive goal of perfect parently. I think parents of today have done a great job of helping to dismiss the silly notion of perfect parently. None of us are perfect and we all need to face the fact that we will fail in some areas and excel in others.
I loved this post! I really am a Type A person, with OCD, and I was bound to have that perfect mother award proudly displayed for all to see. Ha. I was totally slapped in the face soon after mine were born that there would be no such thing, and that those who carried that badge had help. As in A list celebrities, with nannies, and personal chefs, etc.
I definitely had a vision on how I was going to be as a mother. That totally went out the window and I’m still winging it! Every kid is different. My son and daughter are so different than I need to adapt my parenting skills to their personality.
I knew long before I ever started that perfection wasn’t even an option. I do my best and that is ok by me. We’re all still alive and healthy LOL.
Perfection? Puh-leez. It’s never been my thing. Trust me there comes a day in every parent’s journey when they realize perfection does not apply to parenting. If it hasn’t happened yet, I advise them to wait for it… their day is coming.
I really love this. I never had expectations of what I wanted my kids to be, I Just wanted them to be happy and feel confident to be who they are. I love this post so much, it does remind me that I need to make more time for friends. My Best friend who is local is married and her son has sports like crazy, hopefully, I can share this with her and make her see we need some girlfriend time!
This is a really great writing on how motherhood changes you. But I think it is one of those things that no one understands until they’re a mom.
Thank you for sharing your story. Maybe that’s why I’m so stressed because I don’t hang with friends. I will have to find time to make that happen.
Great tips. It’s hard being a mom and juggling everything else. You definitely should give yourself some slack.
Moms should really let go of the idea of perfect. We do what’s best for our kids and our family and for me that’s the most perfect we can get. Having friends is really important. There’s nothing like a good support group who pulls you up!
I am not yet a parent so I think I couldn\’t say anything yet about parenthood. However, in terms of general happiness. Everyone indeed deserves to be happy, all we need to do is find out within ourselves on how we will become happy.
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I have worked so hard for so many years to do everything the best I could. It can be really exhausting but there are times when we put in all of the effort we have and it still is not the best! So I say as long as what you do is out of love and you always put your children first, that is all that matters.
It took me YEARS to get to the point where I was ok starting to let go of the idea of perfect. I am still working on it though!
Isn’t it funny how different motherhood really is vs. how we all imagined it would be? I love it though and wouldn’t change a thing.
That is a nice and fresh perspective. Blaze your own way should be the motto, never mind if it is not textbook perfect. And yes comparisons are always odious, so just do your thing.
Thankfully Babushka never strived for perfection, so she was ahead in that aspect. Gracias for stressing living in the moment, too many people only do that once they become grandparents and realize the small stuff wasn’t worth the sweat. BB2U
Perfection is not my thing.. I am far from perfect, I accept it and enjoy it. Motherhood is part of my life journey and I am still learning to become a better mom everyday.
As a new mom with a lot of expectations it is hard and challenging to even think about the word perfect but I cant help but challenge myself because I fear I am not doing the best for my son.
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As a new mom with a lot of expectations it is hard and challenging to even think about the word perfect but I cant help but challenge myself because I fear I am not doing the best for my son.
Its been so tough to ward off the \”perfect list\” especially for new moms like me. We see things in such a way and if we dont follow it, we feel like we\’re failing or not doing enough. Thank you for sharing this!!!
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This is hilarious and painfully true! I knew immediately after giving birth that I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom. My kids are the sun, moon and stars of my life, however staying home all day with them wasn’t my thing. Hats off to alll the SAHM, you all are my heroes!!