Tis the season to be jolly and all that crap… nice way to start a post- no?!
I’m trying to keep up a good front for my kids during what is supposed to be- at least according to every commercial and ad campaign on the airwaves and in print- “the most wonderful time of the year” and to that end I forked over $60 for a pair of pink leather European boots for my daughter who has been pining for a pair for quite some time.
(My husband reminded me that her boots are more expensive than the shoes I’m wearing and although I’m really not fond of indulging my kid’s materialistic requests— when I saw these boots- which just so happened to be on sale from $150, I acquiesced and gave into the shopping gods- who I think may have forced my hand and signed that credit card slip).
But I digress- why am I truly not feeling the holiday spirit of good cheer- albeit manufactured to get moms like me forking over $60 for a pair of boots? Because I’ve got some majah in-law issues plaguing my family’s inner sanctum of sanity and peace.
I never thought I’d be in this position. In fact, growing up with a mother who had a tense, acrimonious relationship with her own in-laws I vowed I would never repeat her mistakes. Of course, being 5 years old, I don’t think I fully grasped the gravity of the situation, nor did I understand the complex back story that shapes most relationships.
But at that age — when your basic understanding of the world is uncluttered by years of arguments and heinous hatred that, once spewed, can never be retracted — you cannot conceive of a period in your life where all won’t be rose-colored and the words ‘I’m sorry’ are not a cure-all.
Rather than get into the nitty gritty of my messy in-law situation, which I am praying will sooner than later be resolved ( and not in a way that includes the vandalization of my house)- I’m wondering how do you keep your marriage from being impacted by an acrimonious relationship with your in-laws…is it even possible?
I hear you! It's really hard (Understatement of the Year). I have to tell myself to rise above, let it go, be the bigger person, etc — but, when push comes to shove, I tend to let the situation get the better of me. It's a work in progress….and always harder around the holidays. Good luck and let me know if you find the silver bullet.
We had a horrible relationship with my husband's family, to the point where we moved almost 200 miles away from NY to get away from the drama. My family knew we were leaving but we didn't tell his family until a few months later when they found out from friends of ours. Our relationship improved with the distance but still isn't great. Now we are living in Israel so I only have to deal with them when they come here.
We moved to another country and things are working out beautifully. If that is not feasible, you could feign insanity and frighten them away for good! Just a suggestion.
I dont even have to READ this post to tell you the answer. YES YES YES.
But you have to keep remembering that it isnt about them. Its about you and your husband. and if that means you pulling away from the toxicity, then so be it.
If the shopping gods made you do it, then it's not your fault 🙂
wait I`m not the only one? I love Kim`s answer, i would have said totally the same thing. I want to be bigger person, not my mother in law. I keep telling myself, let it go let it roll of your back and I do, sometimes. Since I have no family here in the states ( my whole family is overseas in The Netherlands) I can`t really grasp the fact my in laws are totally NOT interested in what their grand kids do. While the overseas grandparents would die just to be here to see them riding their bikes.
So I vent to my only best friend, my husband. Totally forgetting that it is his mom and he does love her. Ugh it is work in progress. Who cares right? well I do..I care.
My first husband's parents were a real piece of work. Every get together was like nails on a chalkboard. They didn't give advice, they told you what to do and if you didn't do it they would badger you for DAYS!
When you get married you gain a new family along with your spouse. Unfortunately I think that in-laws can place unnecessary and undue strain upon a marriage.
Hubman and I actually get along well with our respective inlaws, and our inlaws even like to hang out together, so we are very lucky. But I have seen in-laws do some toxic damage to other people.
My husband's parents are divorced, his mom is super-manipulative, controlling, and verbally and physically abusive.. She prevented us from having relationship with his dad and step-mom, and has spent years trying to break up our marriage. It has taken a lot of hard work and effort (8 years worth) to break away from my mother-in-law's grasp, and to rebuild my marriage. We finally have a great relationship with my husband's dad and stepmom, and my kids lives are all the better for it.
At this point, my m-i-l has made it clear to her side of the family that if anyone visits us, talks to us, or has contact with us, there will be hell to pay, and the entire family seems be going along with it. My kids have great-grandparents, holocaust survivors, who they have only met a few times. We can't visit them, and I know they don't have many years left, but we have no choice, they won't let us come. It breaks my heart.
But rather than allow ourselves to be criticized and disparaged by these people, we have learned to be happy with the family members who love us unconditionally and support us. It's all we can do for now.
I never thought I would be in a situation where I wouldn't speak to someone – I am not that kind of person. I can't believe I am in this position. But I need to defend and protect my husband and my children. I need to remind my husband often he is a worthy person and a great dad, and I need to ensure that my kids to grow up in a healthy environment. I can handle being called an evil bitch – it's better than any alternative.
Melissa, you are DEFINITELY not alone! (just saw your twitter comment).
It's easy for those with minor in-law complaints to say "Oh, just be the bigger person" or "It can't really be that bad, just deal with it during short visits…" They don't actually have any clue what kind of damage toxic in-laws can do. (It's beyond anything a normal person could ever imagine.)
I don't know what situation you might be dealing with, but it's beyond my comprehension that my mother-in-law is content to miss my childrens' entire childhoods and portray herself as a victim, rather than just show us the tiniest amount of civility. (I'm not even asking for respect!) I am sure your own situation is just as difficult.
Stay strong, and do what you think is best for your family. It's your job as a mother and wife. You are not alone, there are plenty of people with similar family conflicts. I had many friends who are happy to lend an ear and a shoulder – that's how I get through the rough times.
Good Luck – keep us updated!
I do love how a twitter community can make you feel so 'normal'. In-laws are a tough go it's never like a Disney movie.
I always say that to be a good mother-in-law you only have to do two things:
1. Keep your mouth shut
2. Keep your wallet open.
That is all.
Bless you for this post, as I've been in a full on funk since my MIL dropped the bomb on us yesterday. My in-laws are absolutely toxic to my marriage, and to watch my sweet husband cry because he is tired of being the invisible child who keeps trying to force our kids on to people who are just-not-interested, is heartbreaking.
If it were up to me, I would just cut them off completely and move on. They don't help us emotionally or financially, and yet they seem more than happy to reap the benefits of the "good moments", like showing up for our daughter's birthday party and leaving without even tossing their paper plates in the trash.
So what do we do? I've kept my mouth shut for 4 years, but I honestly don't think I can hold it in anymore.
Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!