In some ways I feel as though I'm the closest anyone has ever been to my husband. An incredibly guarded and stoic person I've been able to slowly but surely pry open that tough steel exterior and, for a few brief shining moments, I think I've even managed to get right to his core.
I feel confident that I know him, or at least as much as he'll reveal of himself to anyone. And then there are times that he'll say things- about his past and he'll catch me completely off-guard. I'll look at him, at this man with whom I've created two kids, saddled myself with a mortgage, insurance premiums and most importantly the care of my spirit, with whom I have weathered countless rites of life's passages together and think what else is this man holding back from me? How do I get to his core… is that even an option and will I like what I see when I get there? No, I'm not worried he's harboring a secret sexual life or that he's like so many of the Lifetime movie marathons of husbands who've murdered their secret ex-wives, get remarried and appear completely normal.
How many of us are married to spouses with whom we share so much, both physical possessions, and physical intimacy but hold back our deepest, darkest emotional ones? Of course if you asked my husband this question he' d say, I've shared more with my wife than I ever have with anyone”. And I know I have bared (whether my husband cares to know or not!) every last bit of who I am and what I feel.
Of course when confronted my husband' s standard answer to this dilemma, “Every guy is like me, guys aren't having long heart-to-heart bare their soul talks with their wives, anywhere other than during a therapy session.”
Well I don't agree. I'm still trying to unravel him and unearth his secrets.
I just found this, but felt the need to comment. Last night my husband and I had a huge heart-to-heart and we told each other EVERYTHING. We told each other about the shameful things we’ve tried to forget for years, about the embarrassing things, about all of our past experiences. We knew quite a bit about each other before, but for some reason this past week I’ve felt that I NEEDED to come clean about certain parts of my past that I’m not proud of. It was really hard at first, and I wondered if I was doing the right thing, but then the wall fell down and he told me about all of the things that HE’D done and tried to forget and everything. Was it hard? Yes. Was it embarrassing? Yes. Was it worth it? Completely. It’s amazing to know that he trusts me with his deepest, darkest secrets, and that I trust him enough to tell him mine.
This only happened last night, and to be honest I wasn’t sure if it was something that other truly happy couples did or not, but I had prayed about it and had asked God what to do, and I felt directed to do this. Now, my husband didn’t come right out and tell me his secrets right off the bat, but after I’d admitted all of mine he started telling me his. Some of it was a little hurtful (before our marriage, we had both had a “fling” while we were dating, I felt HORRIBLE about my lapse in judgment, but knowing that we had both done it, no matter how wrong it was, made me feel like he was just as human as me, and that neither of us is perfect). But we’ve both been extremely faithful since we said our vows, and you know what, it’s nice to look him in the eyes and know that he knows everything awful about me.
I felt like I had to get those things out, to share them with somebody else, in order for me to “put the past behind me.” I dwell on things that I’ve done, especially bad things, and I think now I can finally put all of those things to rest (not necessarily forget them, but to look back and see them and NOT berate myself for mistakes made in youth and ignorance). I feel like I can finally be 100% committed in my relationship to him, and in my relationship to God. I was NOT the perfect Christian, but I’ve realized that none of us are.
Opening up to my husband makes me feel like we have a deeper bond than we ever had before, and I’m so excited about where this will take us. We had a good marriage before, but I always felt like an actor playing a part instead of truly, honestly being myself. It’s so relieving now to finally be “bare” in front of him, and him in front of me, and to know that he STILL loves me for who I am, and I still love him for who he is.
I’m sorry this is so long, I just felt like I had to share my experience with others. I’m excited about having the type of marriage that is strong enough to last decades, and to be HAPPY in my marriage, instead of somebody who’s married “just because” or who is stuck in a marriage that they desperately want out of.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I know that there are more things that I’m going to find out about my husband in the years to come, but I also know that right now, I know all of his deepest secrets, and he knows mine. The things that we’ll find out from here on will be things that are funny, or an experience, or something else. We’ve seen the person that the other person was “at their worst,” and still love each other, and are even more committed to keeping our marriage alive and well.
I’m not sure that this is right for every couple, because I’ve seen some awful divorces and I’m sure with the type of information my husband and I have shared a divorce could turn ugly. I prayed (for the last week!) and felt it pressed, literally pressed hard, on my heart to share this with him. He’s truly and honestly my absolute best friend, but if I had any doubts about that, or about the ability of our marriage to last, I don’t think I would’ve shared this stuff with him. I guess it depends on an individual basis, what works for one marriage isn’t always going to work for another. I know people who are happily married who keep TONS of secrets from their spouse, everything from their embarrassing early experiences to shopping trips, money, or even affairs. I didn’t want that type of marriage, where I lied to my husband about things (even if they’re little things like how much I spent at the store). I wanted a marriage where I could tell him ANYTHING. I think I’ve finally got that, and I can’t wait to see what happens next for us! 🙂
there are certain ways where my hubs & i fall straight into gender stereotypes. this is one of the few where we are role reversed. he's always been an open, talky type; i'm the one who has been more of the clam.
i am happy to say that, over the years, this clam has been pried open. the only secrets we keep from each other are our friends' confidences. it's kind of a relief in this world to have somebody whom you can tell pretty much anything to.
The way I think of it is more "what is a secret?"
A secret is something someone deliberately keeps from you. I don't know that my husband is deliberately keeping things from me as much as I'm just not asking the right questions. So the key is to keep asking (and be ready for answers, especially when asking about previous relationships) and let your partner know you are comfortable with the answer and you want to know.
Some people feel vulnerable by revealing everything. It's a bit of a power trip, "i kow something you don't know" that sort of thing. I would hope in time, that this person will feel comfortable and develop trust with their partner to share.
The next question is, what if the above never happens? Is it ok for that partner to just not share? I guess it depends how "bad" the secret is. (odds are its not that bad). I mean, if its just they don't want to tell you all the kinky places they had sex or that they tried drugs, well, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?
My hubs and I have been together for 14 years and have known each other for 16. We have the kind of the relationship that makes people sick! We share everything. He knows everything- every truth, every lie, every confused notion I have ever spoken. And that goes the same for me. We know each other so well that even when we try to keep secrets the other knows what's up.
But much of this, I think, comes from us being friends first. When you have that foundation it is sometimes easier to have those heart-to-heart conversations. Better yet, you don't really need to because the answers to your questions reveal themselves in other ways.
I love your blog and I promise to be better about commenting.