* Tips to Deal with Difficult Mother In Law written in Partnership with Loyes Diamonds*
Ever since both of my parents passed my husband has been the recipient, willing or not, of every thought, feeling, question, observation and fear I’ve had regarding my parents. Death, even the mere mention of it is such a loaded topic- for me, mostly it’s the finality of it and the uncertainty of what really happens when we cross over that threshold. More than anything my husband has listened empathized and allowed me to dump my emotional diarrhea on him (for lack of a better term).
But he’s my husband, and that’s a part of the marriage code… he has no choice but to listen to me –lest I keep prodding him at 2am and turning on the light- questioning our existential existence and trying to get to the bottom of why he has such a hard time believing in life after death- or at least pretending he does for my sake.
There’s another big but–while he has to validate my emotions because he vowed to do so… when my parents were both still alive especially when it came to my mom aka his mother-in-law…what was his responsibility to her? See I had 44 years to become immune to her idiosyncrasies and like any good crack baby no matter what she did I always loved her- it’s just as basic as that. But does my husband have to abide by those same rules with his mother in law- a woman, with whom he has no real shared history, other than the dumb luck of marrying her daughter?
And that’s the tricky part of this in-law relationship…how much are you expected to withstand when it comes to your in-laws? Do any of us really like our in-laws enough to want to get involved- or do most of us just go along because it’s part of our marriage contract when in reality all we’d like to-do is wash our hands of the whole affair- and not have to pretend we really like this person (who shares the same DNA with our significant other?)
The Mother-in-Law Conundrum
Many people are lucky enough to have wonderful mothers-in-law (MIL) who fit right in and everyone gels together. Others aren’t so lucky and there’s a clash instantly! Keep reading for some tips for dealing with a difficult mother in law!
8 Types of MIL You Might Encounter
- The Advice Giver.
“Advice” being a loose word! They might offer advice a little too often!
- The Worrier.
They’re constantly fussing over you, your partner and your children.
- The Gossiper
They can’t keep a secret.
- The Platitude Sayer.
They’re great for telling you and your partner that “it’s all for the best” which might not be helpful in certain situations.
- The Follow-Up-er.
When you tell them some news and they constantly ask for updates even when there are no updates.
- The Minimizer.
When they trivialise something that’s important to you.
- The one who doesn’t “get it.”
They think they’re offspring should behave a certain way and constantly reinforces it.
- The Blamer.
They think their direct offspring can do no wrong and lie blame for everything with you their daughter or son-in-law.
Tips for Dealing With a Difficult MIL
- Have Empathy
Try to understand why she is acting this way – it might be because she fears she’s “losing” her son or daughter so don’t take it personally.
- Don’t Character Assassinate Her to Your Partner
While it might be tempting to tear her down and call her names to your partner, don’t. Do explain if you feel her behaviour has been unacceptable eg “Mary cancelled the wedding flowers without asking us.”
- Don’t Pick Fights But Do Stand Up for Yourself
Don’t demean yourself by resorting to name calling if things escalate!
- Don’t Let Grievances Sit
You’ll inevitably end up stewing about it so if something is on your mind; try to discuss it with her…calmly!
- Have Gratitude
When things are bad, try to focus on the fact that this person is the love of your life’s parent and give thanks that they raised them.
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Expert Advice
“First, good communication helps. Say clearly and neutrally (that’s without accusing anyone of anything) what you want in terms of boundaries and privacy. Second, show respect. No one likes to be ridiculed or dismissed. If a conflict arises, try to focus on the actual problem, rather than on character flaws of the person involved.”
- Terri Apter, Ph.D. is a psychologist and writer and Senior Tutor at Newnham College, Cambridge.
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Some Advice for MILs…
“When they talk, listen to their point of view. Realize that things are done differently these days in schools and societies. Ask questions if you have to, but don’t offer input based on your own preconceived ideas of how things were when you were raising your kids.
- Miriam Hendeles, MT-BC is a music therapist, writer, blogger and the author of a book on being a grandmother to her four grandsons.
So what are your tips for dealing with a difficult Mother in Law?
I read this with interest. My in laws are difficult. My husband and I always said we would never be horrible in laws think we are good
For the most part, my mother in law is great but I say her in each of the different situations you listed and I had to figure out how to handle her and since then and my moms passing she has become my rock, mentor, and best friend.
Dealing with MIL is always challenging especially when the husband himself is not really close with his mom and if she lives very far away. There’s no good chance to get along well so the feeling is always awkward. I don’t like minimizers.
I needed to read this. My mother in law and I do not get along. We just have conflicting personalities and she wants praise for everything even when you do say thank you for your time…or whatever its never enough. I hate feeling indebted to her so I’ve tried not to ask her for things and then that leads to more problems. I don’t really understand how to make it better, but I’ll try.
My MIL doesn’t fit into here but I have to say that if you have a wonderful MIL, great! Appreciate her! I happen to have one who rarely sees my kids and I wonder if she forgets they exist because she is so busy with her other grandkids or preferred grandkids.
I’m one of the lucky ones and my MIL is actually pretty great. She does have a little part of all those different types of MILs but in general, she is a great lady! I hope I will be a good MIL too, LOL. I will share this post with a couple of my friends who have to deal with difficult the mother-in-law.
I\’d say there is also the one upper who constantly one ups every thing you tell them. They don\’t even listen, but just want to give another story that\’s better.
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