As a parent it is often difficult to pull back and wait for your child to divulge the intimate details of their day and how those moments affected them on an emotional basis. Of course, the fact that your child is being so secretive about his daily experiences already sends parents, especially the overbearing types like me, into a tail spin. Thoughts like, is my child being bullied, having trouble with friendships, or falling short in certain subjects, race through my mind, and it takes every bit of willpower for me to check my own feelings at the door when I greet him and wait for his cues. Unfortunately, sometimes those cues never come and as a parent you are left with not having a real sense of what your kid's internal life is all about.
But without playing 20 questions every day, what is the alternative, wait for your tween to approach you when she's comfortable or at her breaking point?
Instead of saying, “How was your day?” which might give me an answer like, “Fine,” I try to ask a question that will get the conversation going like, “What happened at school today,” or “How's your friend so-and-so doing?” And then I just listen. Also, since I work at home and I am on the computer a lot, I try to put down what I am doing so that when she comes in and she wants to talk to me, I am here. I also try and plan a once a month mom and daughter day with each of my kids and believe on those days I learn more about my kids' lives than I do the entire month.
A parent who is trying to get their child to open up more, should focus on topics that pose absolutely NO conflict. This varies from family to family but can include: sports, food or clothes. Less parental talk often leads to more responses from kids; whereas tons of questions lead kids to shut down, while a simple opener, often in the form of a statement, can get things started. The best way to avoid being that parent who is unsuccessful at attempting conversation with their tween is to make conversation – especially give and take discussions – a regular occurrence. This way questions do not seem as intrusive.
Check out these additional tips to keep the conversations between parents and tweens flowing!
- Ask questions that invite more than a one word response. Instead of “How was school today?” ask, “Tell me about the best thing and the worst thing that happened to you today.
- When listening to your child make sure to seek to understand before being understood. In other words, don't interrupt and after they are finished speaking, paraphrase what you heard and ask if you got it right. Then you can respond with your point of view.
- Validate what your tween is saying even if it is exaggerated or a mis-perception. Validation does not mean agreement. It simply lets the speaker know that what they are experiencing is legitimate for them.
- Be mindful that growing up in our ultra-connected pressured world is difficult and that your child needs understanding and support in navigating this awkward period of growing up.
So, got any conversation starters that have worked for you and your tweens? Have you broken through the one-word answer wall? Tell me how!
These tips are great for getting your teens to open up and talk more! It’s really effective to give open ended questions that require more than a yes or no response (like you mentioned). And if they don’t feel like elaborating I’ve learned not to take it personally. They eventually open up when they’re ready to share.
These are great tips because we have to communicate with our kids regardless of their age and know what’s going on.
LOL. yep, I had a nontalker. We had to ask very specific questions and we were lucky to get any kind of an answer. She is a huge talker now, though! 🙂
I have found that we have to talk about things that the kids like to talk about and then we can talk about the things I want to know about.
It is important to let our children talk to us without fear. I think at first, it will be so hard for them to speak up (based on my experience) but then, eventually, they’ll tell us everything! Love these tips.
It’s like a hit or miss when you talk to the kids but it’s really important that you listen and don’t go to overprotective parent mode. I love these tips that you have here!
When it comes to tweens and teens, sometimes I think it is best to listen first and then engage. They will tell you things if you don’t pry too much and then once you get the dialogue going they will feel comfortable chatting with you.
Great tips to help kids open up and talk to their parents. I love that I have such an open relationship with mine.
My son is a non talker. He bottles everything up. But, I have found that by letting him be, he eventually comes around to talk to me.
hahah love it. Great post, I have tweens and we went to the dentist today. I try and try to get them to talk, and it is like pulling teeth. lol.
Sometimes my 4 year old just completely stops talking… well, only when I want her to talk lol. It can be a struggle but these tips are wonderful!
These are great tips. We have awesome communication with our eight year old daughter but I see how easily that changes as she is growing older.