This is supposed to be OUR MONTH of love. Our 16th anniversary falls on December 19th- and so far this month is turning out to be the most NOT romantic on record. In fact, as I type this my mother is an emergency room waiting for someone to check out her badly bruised body which happened as a result of a car accident she was in, in which my husband was at the wheel.
Listen, we all make horrible, careless mistakes. We are human and yet- I can't help but want to strangle my husband for putting my mother in this position, even though I know he would take it back and put himself in that passenger seat if we had the power to rewind time. The reason I am writing this post is not to bash my husband for his poor driving acumen- but rather to be completely honest about my marriage experience, which is not all wine and roses. And now that I come to think of it- I can't remember the last time my husband gave me roses, while we drank wine and stared into each other's eyes- but that's a post for another time. Or maybe it isn't maybe it is part of this stream of consciousness I'm unloading- that marriage has so many sucky parts to it- and the true measure of your commitment to one another is how you manage to get through the muck till the waters start to clear.
With that in mind- here are just a few things no one told me about marriage– you know when I was in that gauzy- wrapped up in the sparkly splendor of my diamond engagement ring which I don't even wear anymore and the belief that my husband and I would never change past those perfectly posed shots on our wedding night.
#1 Your husband might very well be the driver who gets your mother into TWO CAR ACCIDENTS. That's right my poor, dear mother has now weathered the brunt of two car accidents and the collateral damage it has wreaked on her already frail body- both with my husband behind the wheel. Either my husband CLEARLY is on a mission to wipe my mother off the face of the earth or he's just REALLY got some bad luck ( as does my mommy).
#2 When your teen daughter is having her billionth meltdown for the night- your husband will conveniently be M.I.A. That's right although I am all talked out- I don't think my husband has uttered a word of advice to her because he has somehow decided that her social drama is a mom's domain.
#3 You and your husband will FIGHT TO THE DEATH over that last spoonful of Metamucil. When the chips are down and there is only enough Metamucil for one person- and neither one of you wants to acquiesce and compromise your bowel situation– one of you might find yourself HIDING IN THE BATHROOM with the last bits of Metamucil as you quickly spoon it into a cup of water and GULP it down.
#4 You will find yourself keeping secrets. You become one of those wives who waits till your husband goes to sleep to throw out old clothes that are literally just wisps of fabric and then proceed to cut them up and toss the fabric into various garbages throughout the house so that there is no evidence of said deed.