When I first got married I had a lot of fire in my belly. And I will even admit that I was immature. I had no real understanding of what being married entailed. I still thought of myself as an individual and not as a partner in both good and bad with this person who I now called my husband. I mean rationally I knew once married we were inextricably linked to one another but emotionally I was still very much wrapped up in my own stuff and in my own space.
I remember being out with a bunch of other couples and sitting there and listening to one of the women full on ranting about how inept her husband was when it came to managing their finances. As she essentially raked him over the coals for all of us to witness- I was humiliated. Not for this poor man, but for my own husband who I just then realized had at time gotten the same treatment from me. It was so demeaning it made me physically ache for the pain I’d caused him. I’m not sure what my end game ever was, in trash talking my husband – other than for those few brief moments it was a way for me to selfishly let out pent up resentment I’d felt about him and perhaps I thought my audience would side with me and reassure me that yes- marriage sucked, husbands suck and I was right. Thinking back on it- and especially on the specific situation of that woman reaming out her husband- all I remember was how horrified and uncomfortable it made me feel- for him and for her and the one question that kept running through my mind was – WHY ARE YOU TELLING US ALL THIS PRIVATE STUFF THAT SHOULD BE RESERVED FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO WORK OUT IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME?
And this is how I felt last night watching a reality show, as one of the women, after being under the influence of some major red wine truth serum, let her lips flap quite loosely about how inept and immature her husband was. All I could think was–I wish she would just excuse herself and go to sleep. I wish she would stop talking because those words once out can never be taken back, and if I had two reasons for her as to why trashtalking her man was a bad idea these are the things I would tell her:
#1 Anything you say can and will be used against you. Your husband will store all these negative comments and will dredge them up every chance her gets. He will hold a grudge against you in regards to the comments- and they will forever be a part of your martial tapestry.
#2 Trash talking the man you live with, the one you have to sleep with, share a bed with, the one who takes out the garbage, who snakes the sewer drain, who slays the bugs and gets up in the middle of the night to take your dog who has a urinary tract infection for a walk– HE is not going to be too keen on doing any of these things once he realizes that you have chosen to harp on the stuff he doesn’t do as opposed to appreciating the stuff he DOES DO. In other words– get ready to start slaying your own bugs and hauling out your own garbage for a while. In other words Don’t Sh*t where you eat.
I am divorced from my boys dad and would never talk bad about him – well at least in front of the kids. He’s still their dad.
Good God, is there EVER a good reason to do that? I have had friends in the past who did this, and you know what followed? Divorce. They were either too far gone in the relationship or the spouse found out about the trash talking and felt betrayed.
These are definitely some good points. If you have to vent, it’s best to actually discuss what’s bothering you with your spouse directly.
Trash talking your spouse definitely isn’t a good idea. These are good reasons not to do it.
It is so important to have mutual respect. Sometimes we need to stow our pride and just suck it up.
Hubby and I will tease each other, but it is never mean spirited. I had friends that trash talked each other to get under the other’s skin and it was really uncomfortable for the rest of us present. Your spouse is your #1, your better half. There is never any good excuse to trash talk them.
Respect begets respect. Couples should settle their differences within the privacy of their own homes. Trash talking is such a low blow.
Aww, hahaaa you’ve made a great point here. There’s a pact between me and my husband: we are never going to badmouth each other to other people no matter what happens. I have a friend that does this, and people are talking about her and her husband all the time – definitely a no-no if you want a solid marriage!
I agree with this. It is such a bad thing to do, and breeds disrespect towards the spouse from the people that are on the listening end of the convo.
I agree with you! trashtalking about your partner or exes is a big NO NO! It is such a disrespect to anyone!!
I couldn’t agree more. If you feel you need to trash talk you probably shouldn’t be with that person! I don’t even trash talk my exes, so i totally get it.
That is not good. Totally agree with you. We need to be respectful.
That’s never a good look to and mouth the person you were once married to, Especially when there are kids involved
My husband and I have had our arguments, but we have never taken it publicly. We don’t post about it on social media and we never argue in public. I think that is just in bad taste.
I really enjoyed reading this. For the first time in my life, after having already been married then divorced now co-parenting three kids … I am in a relationship that I take time to think about mistakes i have made. Why I do certain things and how I can grow (or mature). I can admit that these thoughts are currently crossing my mind, because I have said rotten things out of anger and being selfish so to speak, but he stands here just as I do for him and we talk about it, work through it and learn how to be better as both individuals and a couple. For me, I am learning to focus on all that he does right and sacrifices for our family unit 🙂 This helps me be a better person and partner!
This is a great post! These are some great reasons to not talk trash about your spouse.
This is an excellent post. My wife did this, – the original issue was tiny – however it backfired tragically; the moment you do this, you make life long enemies for your husband. Your friends care about you, so when you do tell them things that really should have been sorted out privately, they will turn on him and you will not be able to stop them; it doesn’t make them bad people, they care, and its natural for them to react to what they are hearing.
Maybe they’ll just remind him, by not talking to him during meet ups – it’ll be “there”, and consequently it’ll between you both it’ll be “there”. My wife’s friends took it upon themselves to be really unpleasant to me, and she even got to the point she had to beg one of them to stop; said friend then read that as “I must have been forcing her to say that.” – It later came out she had issues from a past marriage, but my wife didn’t know that at the time. Me; utterly devastated. Eventually their ongoing behaviour and the loss of trust, ruined our attempts to sort out otherwise fixable problems. We have since separated.
There are two lessons my wife learned in the most saddening and avoidable way, and they are good life rules for anyone;
1. Before you do something, pause and consider; would you want this done to you?
2. The friends we meet and have warm heartening friendships with and share positive time with – how well do we really know enough about their backgrounds and what drives them and how they will react?
Peace to all,
Chris.
I have been faced with many trash talking from my wife, most of it I choose to ignore and some of them I would try to have a discussion with her about whatever the trash talk is about.
Sometimes she doesnt give me the chance to talk or to Express myself. So most times nothing is resolved.
We currently sleep in separate rooms. She would often ask me to spend some time with her but I reject her offer and tell her I rather not. I tell her that she needs to know how to talk to me because its degrading and a turnoff for me as well.
Sometimes when she realizes that I don’t come around her she would try to soften up and then when she is comfortable the trash talking begins again.
Cheating isn’t on my mind… I just want her to get it in her head that you’re suppose to treat your spouse with utter respect. It’s simple as that.