When I wrote about my decision to send my kids to a private religious school (much to my husband's chagrin) in The Jewish Week I admitted that a lot of my decision was born out of a sense of guilt, a sense of duty, and a sense to continue the journey of my ancestors and keep the religion, culture and customs alive and well in the hearts of my kids.
And I am happy and feel really good about my decision… unfortunately my husband not so much. But my husband is a mumble under his breath kind of a guy– who has never really believed in religion of any kind. I guess you could call him agnostic– I think he believes a higher power exists– but that it's unnecessary to subscribe to customs in order to appease this power. That just being a good person and following the basic tenets of humankind should be enough to propel you through this life.
While I respect his beliefs and have never asked him to do anything he's uncomfortable with- (okay perhaps that's not ENTIRELY true) I've ultimately never tried to foist my religious inclinations and feelings onto him (and trust me – that has been difficult!) it's gotten to a point where, he's begun to belittle the hard work my nine year old daughter is committing to her religious education. And here's the thing that really upsets me– my daughter- LOVES her school- she gets such a satisfaction ad sense of belonging- and has a real affinity for the language and the biblical studies. But having my husband's snide comments and outward disdain for what she's doing has certainly put a damper on her enthusiasm and general love for her learning.
I am unsure how to handle this- other than telling my husband to keep his unflattering comments to himself. I've tried to explain to my daughter that while we might believe in G-d and religion- Daddy doesn't (which SUCKS on so many levels, but I digress)… I'm trying to be honest with her– and yet it's breaking my heart and I get the sense that it's fracturing her yet untainted belief and passion for the subjects she's learning. But I also know that I cannot make a 52-year-old man change his fundamental belief system; certainly not at this stage of the game…
We just don't talk about it – it's one of those things we pretend isn't an issue. IT's sad to say but it's true.
I think you've got to talk about it. I work professionally for a Religious Studies institute and there is not doubt that Atheism and Agonsticism (sp?) are at times their own religion. I am in an interfaith marriage where these things are discussed weekly, if not daily. One way to approach it is to have your husband tell your daughter why he believes (or doesn't believe, as the case may be) what he does. Give him room for the variant position. Don't ask for him to change. But, at the same time, he can't cut down or undermine what you are doing. He agreed to the decisions you have made for your daughter and has an obligation to fully support what you are doing, even if he believes otherwise.
I would ask your husband to read this post so he can really understand how he is effecting you and your daughter. He loves you both so although he shouldn't have to change his belief system, he may come to respect yours for your daughters sake. Good luck Melissa this is a tough one.
Hubby and I follow the same faith, but on occasion have different views. I admire you for your effort in instilling deep faith in your children despite the lack of support from your husband.
After reading your post I know even more now how blessed I am that both my husband and I share in our faith, we both are on the same page with faith based parenting, although we may not always have the same general parenting approach we both know what we want our daughters to learn and live growing up.
I can't imagine your struggle but it also seems like there may be something there since you all are still together and I've seen many a relationship end or fizzle because of religious difference. I like Dawn's suggestion about him reading the post and even if he rolls his eyes at least he knows how you feel and you won't wonder or won't say you didn't try right?
Sending prayers!
Oh what a difficult situation. And I have NO ADVICE WHATSOEVER. My husband and I are struggling to be on the same page religiously… He's catholic, and I am so not. It is hard because we respect each others' beliefs, but are up in the air about our son. He's only two, so perhaps we have some time.
I'm wishing you harmony.
The most interesting part about the whole thing is that you are the same religion, not even 2 different religions, and yet there is still so much strife. Can you imagine having 2 completely different religions in one household??